reminder: spielberg is brilliant (and is pissing it all away) / we’re going to need a bigger boat

14 03 2010

[apparently, i wrote this a year and a half ago and never posted it.  as with everything i write, it seems retarded now when i reread it, but oh well.  i don’t exactly have standards, anyway.]

i am watching jaws.  RIGHT NOW.  and, just as i am every time i watch this movie, i’m blown away by how good it really is.  remember that scene when brody is at his kitchen table contemplating how fucked up of a situation he is in, and then his son is sitting there mimicking everything he is doing?  and then mr holland and his opus walk in and say, “is your husband home?  i would like to talk to him.” and mrs brody says, “so would i.”  ??? there are a million moments like that in this movie.  this is one of those movies where, no matter how many times you watch it, you can always find something new that is awesome.  it is undeniably a classic, and it is one of spielberg’s best.  not to mention his first real success as a director.  it proved that he was capable of tapping in to something very deep and basic about human people.  he showed his greatness with this film.  of course, his greatest talent has always been recognizing a great story, but with this film he showed that he was capable of something so much more difficult.

“mary ann lamoffet.  she broke my heart.”

also, while i’m here, i should mention that you should really watch The Taking of Pelham One Two Three [1974, not 2009 for fuck’s sake].  in addition to having Robert Shaw playing the lead bad guy, it has Walter Mathau giving his best performance EVR.  not to mention, Quentin Tarantino fucking loves stealing from this movie.  so there you go.  that’s my movie recommendation for the year.

[back to modern day reality, 2010.]  so just by coincidence, i just found this article about CGI and the dangers/stupidity of remaking classics, just because you can, and the scary as fuckballs idea of spielberg remaking Jaws.  the only thing worse than taking a classic film and inserting CGI effects, is trying to remake the film with shia lebouf.  both of which are things that spielberg fucking loves.





irony is still gay

22 02 2010

i guess i should explain where i’ve been all this time.  you see, like most people who use the internet as a substitute for normal human interaction, i went through a period of extreme depression.  my way of keeping myself busy so i wouldn’t hang myself was to write a blog.  however, i eventually started having consensual sex, which led to me cheering up and not needing the blog anymore.   although i’m no longer super suicidal,  i’ve been feeling like maybe i should give this thing a second shot.  the internet needs me.  i’m sure of it.  so here we go…

have you been watching The Life and Times of Tim?  why the fuck not!  jesus titty fucking christ!  are you fucking retarded?!  is sarah palin your mom?!1  eat shit and die, you waste of humanity!!!  …  ooook, so i may have overreacted.  but yeah, you should probably watch it.  it’s one of the best things on television.  seriously.  if you are already a fan (which you should be (but don’t get me going again)) you should check out this interview with the guy who does the stuff.  and if your name is twig, here is a good intro to one of the best animated shows in the fucking universe.

did you see Shutter Island?  i did.  let me first say that i think Scorsese is one of the greatest directors of all time.  i know that sounds cliche, but fuck you.  it’s true.  HOWEVER, that does not mean that every lump of shit he touches turns to gold.  this particular lump of shit turned kind of yellowish.  but definitely not gold.  i get the feeling that Scorsese never bothered to watch Fight Club.  you cannot have a movie about crazy people who see crazy shit, and expect the audience to just accept what you are telling them.  everyone is expecting a twist, so when the time comes, that twist better be fucking amazing.  the ending of shutter island was not only not fucking amazing, it was dull.  so dull that i’m bored of even talking about it.

have you been listening to Sleigh Bells?  fuck.  seriously, wtf have you been doing for the past year?  how is it possible you’ve lasted this long without me?  if you like music, and awesomeness, you will like Sleigh Bells.  i don’t think a proper recording of any of their songs actually exists right now, which means that, even through your $1000 stereo, it’s going to sound like you’re blasting laptop speakers.  which is kind of awesome in itself.  i think it may have been intentional.  and if it wasn’t, it should’ve been.

this concludes my return to the internet.  see you in 2011.  in the meantime, follow me on twitter.  @fuckedyourgrandpa





i wish i could quit you. fag.

23 01 2009
seriously

i think i accidentally made a blog post.  this is from a comment on http://www.fivethreedialtone.com www.eatthiscity.com.   i couldn’t just let it be.

you ever notice how some people use the comment section of other people’s blogs as if they were their own blog? super lame bryanmetro and jared. it’s called wordpress. google it.

also, the oscars are only good for two things… getting drunk and swearing at your television.

also, dark knight absolutely did not deserve the best picture nomination. but for that matter, neither did crash, return of the king, chicago, a beautiful mind, gladiator, shakespeare in love, titanic, the english patient, or braveheart.

also, am i the only one who didn’t fucking love that button movie? i mean, it was good, but 13 nominations? seriously? i would have liked it better if they had released it under it’s original title, “forrest gump 2.” [boo yah!]

and why wasn’t rambo nominated for anything? isn’t there a category for best film depiction of the murder of a child? because rambo would’ve gotten double nominated for that shit. how many movies show a baby being ripped out of his mother’s arms and thrown in a fire, just for the hell of it? fuck dark knight. fucking rambo should have gotten a best picture nom.





this party is just getting started

7 08 2008

the average walking speed for a human person is 2.8 to 3.4 miles per hour.

the terminator movies were prophetic prophecies from prophets.

pizza is delicious.

generally, human people blink every 2-10 seconds.

rainbows are dangerous.





netfuck u

24 05 2008

flying...ur doing it wrong

netflix just told me that they will no longer mail dvds to me because i had a few stolen off my porch. this is not cool. if you don’t have netflix, you cannot comprehend the amount of time and energy that it requires. i have spent hundreds, if not billions of hours building my queue and rating movies that i have seen. and now netflix has told me that the only way that i can prevent all of this time and hard work from going to waste is to take my penis, cut it off, swallow it, wait about 8 hours, shit it out, and then swallow it again.

i hate netflix.

Read the rest of this entry »




fuckers never quit. quiters never get to fuck.

1 04 2008

tree fucker

don’t worry. i haven’t given up yet. i’ve just been busy drinking alcohol and playing with my wiener. the other night i did nothing but get drunk and beat the midget all night long. but now i’ve turned over a new leaf (which has nothing to do with the giant blister on willy wonka). i’m back to the shit and ready to rock. while you’re waiting for the real “rocking” to begin, check THIS out. it is the greatest thing i have seen all day. seriously. all. fucking. day.





netflix is GoD

21 01 2008

my queue is your bitch.  or my bitch.  or you are my bitch.  or you are my queue’s bitch.  or something. [this is why i don’t blog anymore.] Read the rest of this entry »