irony is still gay

22 02 2010

i guess i should explain where i’ve been all this time.  you see, like most people who use the internet as a substitute for normal human interaction, i went through a period of extreme depression.  my way of keeping myself busy so i wouldn’t hang myself was to write a blog.  however, i eventually started having consensual sex, which led to me cheering up and not needing the blog anymore.   although i’m no longer super suicidal,  i’ve been feeling like maybe i should give this thing a second shot.  the internet needs me.  i’m sure of it.  so here we go…

have you been watching The Life and Times of Tim?  why the fuck not!  jesus titty fucking christ!  are you fucking retarded?!  is sarah palin your mom?!1  eat shit and die, you waste of humanity!!!  …  ooook, so i may have overreacted.  but yeah, you should probably watch it.  it’s one of the best things on television.  seriously.  if you are already a fan (which you should be (but don’t get me going again)) you should check out this interview with the guy who does the stuff.  and if your name is twig, here is a good intro to one of the best animated shows in the fucking universe.

did you see Shutter Island?  i did.  let me first say that i think Scorsese is one of the greatest directors of all time.  i know that sounds cliche, but fuck you.  it’s true.  HOWEVER, that does not mean that every lump of shit he touches turns to gold.  this particular lump of shit turned kind of yellowish.  but definitely not gold.  i get the feeling that Scorsese never bothered to watch Fight Club.  you cannot have a movie about crazy people who see crazy shit, and expect the audience to just accept what you are telling them.  everyone is expecting a twist, so when the time comes, that twist better be fucking amazing.  the ending of shutter island was not only not fucking amazing, it was dull.  so dull that i’m bored of even talking about it.

have you been listening to Sleigh Bells?  fuck.  seriously, wtf have you been doing for the past year?  how is it possible you’ve lasted this long without me?  if you like music, and awesomeness, you will like Sleigh Bells.  i don’t think a proper recording of any of their songs actually exists right now, which means that, even through your $1000 stereo, it’s going to sound like you’re blasting laptop speakers.  which is kind of awesome in itself.  i think it may have been intentional.  and if it wasn’t, it should’ve been.

this concludes my return to the internet.  see you in 2011.  in the meantime, follow me on twitter.  @fuckedyourgrandpa


get back to work, you lazy fucks

20 02 2008


the writers’ strike is over. no more american gladiators [come april]. and to that i say, boooo. have you been watching Conan this week? fucking hell man. i love that guy, but shit on a fucking stick, the best thing that ever happened to him was losing his writers. this is a perfect example of what is wrong in every form of art. (yeah, that’s right. i’m about to go there.) when Conan lost his writers, he was like a small animal, cornered and defenseless. and then, just like any comedian/talk show host [or artist for that matter] with real talent, he fucking exploded. without the crutch of his writers, he was forced to rely on his natural ability to entertain. and the result was something that we haven’t seen from him since he lost his comedic soul mate, Andy Richter. the writer’s strike provoked the kind of creativity that can only come from desperation. just like any art form, the best work is the result of some kind of conflict or challenging event. some people say that the best art comes from pain, but really, the pain is just the byproduct of the challenge. when life is truly difficult, you are pushed to your max [or you crumble from the anxiety like certain people (me)]. it’s the trying times that produce the best product because not only is the artist [or talk show host [or blogger for that matter]] delivering everything that he or she has to offer, but he/she/it is doing so in a way that is relatable to everyone. and i do mean everyfuckingone. whether you’re paris hilton or joe shmoe bum on the street, your life is filled with conflict. whether or not you/he/she/it chooses to overcome, or attempt to overcome that conflict will differ from person to person, but the universal desire is to try. struggle is so much more attractive than success because struggle is real and success is a pipe dream. there is no real success in the human condition, and the only alternative to struggle is to quit, or die (depending on the circumstances). artists who are willing to risk and struggle, and can do so while connecting with an audience, are the ones who create the greatest works. and that is why Conan was so great for the past five weeks. in the desperation of the situation, he lowered his self imposed standards and thereby allowed himself to be more creative and rely on his talent much more than he was comfortable doing in the recent past. he is a great comedian, and the writers’ strike allowed his talents to shine. i can only hope that the return of the writers does not mean the death of the new Conan.

my advice to all aspiring artists: quit your job, move out of your parents basement to a city where you don’t know anyone, get a shitty job cleaning toilets making minimum wage, eat ramen noodles for every meal, and immerse yourself in your art every waking second that you have. (although, i make $90k a year and drive a beamer, so wtf do i know?)


29 10 2007

hardcore halloween

don’t forget, kids. the writers guild strike is coming. like, in the next two hours. so kiss your tv and movies goodbye, and strap in for a long, boring existence watching poorly produced internet bullshit.

wired had a great article today about the resurgence of vinyl and the idiocy of the music industry. yeah, i know it’s not new news. but at least it’s fucking interesting.

maddox, if you didn’t know already, is some guy with a website who is raping the internet for all it’s worth. here are his opinions on women’s fashion.

in the spirit of hallofuckingween, here’s a list of 5 reasons zombies could really exist. which reminds me. have you all been watching the Evil Dead movies like i told you to [you lazy motherfuckers]?

the tragic death of a political leader whom you never had a problem with IS NOT FUNNY. unless he was killed by monkeys.

lately, the internet (btw, i will no longer be using clever euphemisms for the internet. the joke is fucking old and i will no longer participate in this pop culture bullshit.) has been buzzing about all the fucking superhero movies that are coming as a result of the JLA movie. (i am intentionally not linking to anything.) as a kid who grew up on comic books, i have this opinion: if you are going to make a movie about the heroes of my childhood, at fucking least try to do a half assed job. i had a spiderman the movie poster hanging in my room a year before the fucking movie came out. spiderman was my favorite comic, and the idea of a spiderman movie had given me a boner since before i knew i had a penis. and then it came out, and i watched it, and i enjoyed it, and i went on with my life. meanwhile, hollywood went fucking ape shit for comic book movies, which was inevitable with new cgi technology. the problem was, as with any big hollywood trend, quality took a backseat to churning out the worst shit imaginable because the studios knew that nerds like me would go see it NO MATTER WHAT. so here we are in the aftermath of spiderman. there are some potentially great comic book movies coming out (Iron Man and The Dark Knight), but there are also fucking countless potentially terrible comic book movies on the horizon. i just wish someone would fucking stop those assholes from raping my fucking childhood.

Malcom X once said that people swear because they lack the knowledge to communicate properly (i may be paraphrasing), and i think that is god damn spot on. i swear because i cannot fucking express myself fully otherwise. fuck is the single most versatile word in the english language, and therefore a crutch to people like me who do not possess the lexicon to properly communicate our thoughts and feelings. i fucking hate it, but it’s a fucking fact of life. i am a fucking fuck addict. (not to say that i am addicted to sexual intercourse. i would have to find someone to have sex with before that could be true.) i am simply saying, fuck is my heroine. and i am kurt fucking cobain. [i’m also not very fucking funny.]

you gotta have something to keep you going

14 10 2007

rockin those fifth grade bitches

u ever see the movie Crash? no, not the sandra bullock movie about racial tension in los angeles. i’m talking about the David Cronenberg film from the 90s starring james spader. the one about people who get sexually aroused by car crashes. i was just watching this video, and it made me think about that movie. you should watch it. especially if you want a detailed description of what semen tastes like. (apparently, some semen is saltier than others.)

so anyway. i saw some movies this weekend. because what else am i going to do? first was We Own The Night. it’s about a guy, and his brother and dad are cops, and he runs a club, and then shit happens. and you see eva mendes’s nipple. it was exactly as good as the trailer made it look. i can’t think of anything else to say about it. just watch the trailer. trailer >>>

the next movie was Michael Clayton. george clooney plays a lawyer. some guy goes nuts. shit happens. it was much better than the crappy trailer makes it look. and george clooney was really good. trailer >>>

after that was The Hunting Party. holy fucking shit. i was really excited about this movie. unlike MC, this one looked fucking sweet in the trailer. and it turned out to be a flaming piece of shit floating on a river of vomit, through a world of decaying anuses. so it wasn’t very good. i feel like richard gere forgot how to act. the screen writer really fucked up as well. but it was such an awesome premise. he must have worked really hard to shit on it as hard as he did. he was probably too busy working on ugly betty. not to mention the over use of deus ex machinas. (google it yourself. i’m too busy feeling superior to you to bother adding a link.) trailer >>>

and finally, i saw Resurrecting the Champ. a reporter meets a homeless guy who used to be a professional boxer and writes a story about him. you know why i like this movie? (why do i keep asking rhetorical questions?) i liked it because it reminded me that Samuel L Jackson is one of the most underrated actors working today. a lot of people underestimate his ability as an actor because he takes every shitty movie that he is offered. but in this movie, he was awesome. he more than made up for josh hartnett being josh hartnett. trailer >>>

also, djew ever see that episode of south park where stan has to coach a hockey team, and they kept making the joke about movie trailers doing really stupid voice overs? you know why that’s funny? (last rhetorical question. i fucking swear to god.) it’s funny, because it’s true. movie trailers always fucking do that and it’s always fucking annoying. if you can’t put together a two minute trailer that communicates what the movie is about, without using a fucking voice over, then you are a fucking ass hole who should not be making movie trailers. it would be like me going into a hospital and trying help someone dying of gangrene. i might know how to use a saw, but i’m no fucking doctor, so i shouldn’t be trying to help people whose limbs smell like cheese.

life, explained

30 09 2007


first, i have to get this out of the way. i heart tegan and sara. i just downloaded their new album, the con, and i’m fucking hooked. i’m barely equipped to communicate with other people, much less describe my thoughts about music, but i’ll try anyway because what else do you have to do right now? this album is the kind that tugs at my emotions while making me constantly want to turn it up until my ears bleed. nineteen is easily my favorite track. their show in november is already fucking sold out. motherfuck me. so anyway…

i saw two movies tonight. the first was Eastern Promises, David Cronenberg‘s new film. it was really pretty good. it was even more violent than big dave’s last film, A History of Violence, and that had “violence” right in the title for fuck’s sake. the bathhouse scene was especially shocking. imagine aragorn… naked… in a knife fight. the old woman sitting next to me summed it up perfectly when she yelled, “JIMINY CHRISTMAS.” the only down side was the baby. i am so sick of fucking babies (not literally). and yes, i will continue to milk that joke until i have (literally) milked it dry.

the other movie i saw tonight was Across the Universe, a musical made up entirely of Beatles’ songs. it was good, but i am sure that most people with more artistic sensibilities will be turned off by Julie Taymor‘s attempts at being “artistic.” (after rereading that last sentence, i feel like an asshole. but i’m leaving it. cause it’s 3am, and i’m too tired to think of something better to say.) before it’s release, taymor and producer, joe roth, had a major disagreement which led to roth recutting the film and conducting screenings without taymor’s knowledge, which led to taymor threatening to take her name off the film, and also delayed the release by an entire year. i’m not sure whose cut i saw tonight, but when the credits rolled, it clearly said “a julie taymor film”, so take that for what it’s worth. although the film had it’s weak points, it had a certain affect on me. it reminded me of something that i had forgotten about myself, and about people in general. that was way too personal of a statement for ANYONE to really understand. but again, i’m too tired to even delete.

and speaking of The Beatles, it was recently announced that Martin Scorsese will direct a documentary about my favorite Beatle, George Harrison. (i just wrote so much shit about The Beatles that i needed a bump. RIDE IT, BITCHES.) Read the rest of this entry »

how to survive working in an office

29 09 2007

my job can be unfuckingbearable sometimes. most of the time, in fact. actually, it sucks pretty much all the time. i get about 15-20 minutes a day where i don’t want to either kill myself, or kill someone else. this isn’t because i have a shitty job so much as it is because i am incapable of dealing with the unrelenting bullshit of working in an office. it’s a little like the movie Office Space, but it’s not funny, and i have yet to meet jennifer aniston working at any of the places i eat lunch. so i just found an illustrated guide to surviving life in an office. ride the bump, only if necessary.

Read the rest of this entry »

popular culture has raped my ability to be sentimental

9 09 2007


this shitty blog has a list of the top 10 most anticipated new movies based on video games. i want to know how it’s possible that there are actually 10 video game movies in production. i realize that there aren’t many things in the world that are less creative than hollywood, but holy fuck. i’m so sick of comic book/video game/80s cartoon movies (not including Iron Man). fuck the 80s. this trend of exploiting my generation’s childhood memories is played out.