cognitively boned

2 03 2010

OMG!  i’m back again!  my fan is going to be soooo excited.

nbc is retarded.  did you know that jeff zucker, the megadouchetard who fired Conan O’Brien,  not only went to college with Conan, but actually had him arrested for pulling a prank when they were in school together?  (of course you already knew that, and this is all old news, but i wasn’t blogging during the clusterfucktastrophe that was Conan’s firing, so i still have some shit that i need to get off my chest.  (my muscular, glistening, orgasm inducing chest.))   anyway, that guy is cognitively impaired out the ass.  although, that should have been obvious after he gave jay “i have no fucking idea what’s funny anymore” leno the tonight show back.  luckily, Cone Bone is figuring out the internet, and twittering the shit out of it.  hurray for humanity.  [also, hurray for stern.]

i just found out that costco sells caskets.  i wish i had the balls to write a joke about Haiti, but unfortunately for me, my soul is still hanging on by a thread.  don’t worry though.  thanks to the guidance provided by NPR, i’ll be trading in my soul for gold chains and a Cadillac before you can say, “bitch, where’s my money.”

it’s funny how much your tastes and preferences can change as you get older.  for example, if you had told me ten years ago, that i would someday love spinach, i would not have believed you.  but i do.  or if you had told me that i would spend hours everyday watching dudes masturbate, live on webcams, i also would not have believed you.  and yet, i do.  although, i could not have foreseen chatroulette. it’s not that i like watching guys masturbate. [seriously!]  it’s just that, i know, deep down in my heart, that if i stick with it long enough, someday, i will get to see a, boob.  so far, dicks are beating boobs 47,396 to zero.  but i heard somewhere that the dick/boob ratio was around 50,000 to 1, so i’m almost there!  (i cannot wait to see that boob!!)


why didn’t i think of that?

5 02 2008

lego my wiener

some “experts” predict that we will be having sex with robots sooner than you might expect.  i’m still trying to figure out when it starts being a robot and stops being an anal vibrator.  does it just have to look and feel real?  does it have to be powered by batteries or other source of electricity?  does it have to grunt and moan as if its world was being rocked by your sub par performance?  if you play a recording of sex sounds and stick a vibrating mechanism in a real doll, are you fucking a robot?  [if i have to tell you nsfw, then you deserve to be fired, and possibly raped… by your boss…  your disgusting, unholy, pig of a boss.]  remember when the robots in *batteries not included had sex?  that was pretty cool.

fuck a duck

28 11 2007

dog on duck

here’s the deal. with this baby on the way, i got a shit ton of things to do. so don’t expect me to be updating much for the rest of the year. but keep checking BITA. everyday. at least twice a day.

have i mentioned lately how much i love japanese people? 1 2 3 4 5 6 … i fucking love those crazy bastards. children’s television is really going apeshit. if i had seen that when i was a little kid, i probably would’ve shat my pants. but at least i’d know how to count to six.

iphone owner gets pwned!!1!!1!11!!!oen!!!11!

Sienna Miller will play Baroness in the upcoming GI Joe movie. now i’m about a billion times more likely to see the fucking GI Joe movie. (although, i’m told that any number multiplied by zero is still zero.)

i just recently discovered the magic of podcasts. people are always telling me i’m “on the cutting edge” and i see no reason to disagree. if you like movies, and you have a long drive to work, and you are scared of signing up for an itunes account, and you are in to bestiality, and you like movies, check out Creative Screenwriting Magazine’s blog. you can download all of their podcasts from the past year as MP3s, so all of you ipodophobes can play them on your giant, gas powered mp3 players.

christmas came early for lonely guys who masturbate a lot. (did you catch the pun?) Jessica Alba’s top 5 sexiest moments.

i went to see No Country for Old Men this past weekend. it was really fucking good. really good, but still able to piss off most people who see it. i’ll save you any potential let down; do not expect a big climactic ending. that’s as much as i’ll give away. the sound and cinematography were fucking sick. the sound was especially good. like, almost as good as The Conversation. also, i’ve never seen an “action” movie with so much depth to the story. i’ve only had the chance to see it once, but i want to watch it about five more times just to let everything digest. also, Javier Bardem is the ultimate bad ass.

fat kid avoids ridicule. the onion always finds those feel good stories that remind you of the irrepressible human spirit. or something.

i JUST found out that Zooey Deschanel is signed on to play Janis Joplin in the new biopic Gospel According to Janis. although i generally think Zooey Deschanel playing anyone in anything is the greatest idea ever, i have a problem with Janis Joplin being played by one of the most attractive women EVER. (i may have a bit of a crush.) the problem is, one of the things that played into Janis’s insecurity and self destruction was her feeling that she was butt fucking ugly. (her words, not mine.) i realize that hollywood has a fucking terrible time trying to cast unattractive women, but this is way the fuck out there. BONUS: there will be a NUDE SCENE. i already have a boner.


17 11 2007


i’m not that into sports. i tend to be more interested in the uniforms.

i do not like shia labeouf. i am not happy that he is playing Indiana Jones‘ son in Crystal Skull. i guess i’m not alone.

djew ever see sylvester stallone‘s porno, Italian Stallion? (serious.) it’s showing RIGHT NOW, at the Music Box in chicago. if you live there, you should not pass up the opportunity to see sly stallone’s itallian sausage. (weak.) or the anal sex scene that i’ve heard so much about. (lie.)

it’s Martin Scorsese‘ birthday. it’s also RuPaul‘s birthday. woo hoo. what else is there to say?

crazy awesome to the maXXX

7 11 2007

growing up in detroit

the opening scene of the last james bond movie featured something that has become known as urban gymnastics. remember free style walking? it’s a little like that, except rather than being the lamest fucking thing ever, it is insanely fucking sweet. videos of this shit have been floating around the internet for the past few years, but contrary to popular belief, urban gymnastics did not get it’s major film debut with james fucking bond. the first appearance of this new physical art form (?) was in the french film District B13, which was probably the most crazy awesome action film in recent history. not to mention, the most copied. and it’s french for fuck’s sake. apparently there is one hetero dude left in all of parisland. and he’s fucking so many bitches that all he can do, when it comes to making a film, is to jizz in his audiences face with the most potent action anyone has ever seen. just check out THIS CHASE SCENE from B13. yeah, i know jackie chan has been doing shit like this for a long time, but that one 3 minute scene was cooler than everything jackie chan has ever done in every one of his movies. ever.

at least one of u isn’t a lazy ass

31 10 2007


i’m posting this video in honor of the late, great robert goulet. he will be missed. (by someone. i guess.)

i bet if you asked the people who know me best, what i think about religion, they wouldn’t have the slightest idea, or they’d be way the fuck off. i don’t talk about it much. and all i am going to say about it now is that until 10 minutes ago, i really did believe in something. but after reading this, i am convinced that not only is there not a god, but that human beings are nothing more than apes with above average intelligence, and that life is completely fucking meaningless.

so anyway. have you heard about the marketing campaign for The Dark Knight? it’s fucking nuts. this is like, Trent Reznor nuts. check this out, motherfucker.

danger. danger. high voltage.

“they” just released the trailer for Wanted, and holy crap. it looks slick as fuck. like a crazy awesome action movie. it stars Angelina Jolie, Morgan Freeman, and one of my favorite up and coming (insert semen related joke here) actors James McAvoy. it has the potential to be fucking awesome, but in reality, that only means it has about a 23% chance of not sucking. (i did not bullshit that number. i have a formula. a secret formula.)

happy halloween. bitches.

the only day i don’t wear a costume is halloween

30 10 2007

happy clown

ninja parade.

trent and saul.

kevin smith.

top 25 horror films.


wood allen.

Evil Dead 2.

i’m lazy on strike.