the triumphant return [to be immediately followed by morning sickness]

11 12 2007

mr t

don’t worry, i’m due in january. then, not only will i have plenty of time to post my verbal diarrhea, but i’ll also be able to do it while driving around in my sweet new mustang convertible. (you wouldn’t believe how much cash you can get for a brand new baby.)

thank God for science. they finally found a cure for gayness… in flies. but not before finding a way to turn hetro flies queer as a three dollar bill. i don’t really understand how they did it, but i heard that both transformations somehow involved zac effron.

Juno hits theaters this weekend. please fucking go see it so i can finally stop talking about it. you’ll love it. i swear. rainn wilson is in it. who doesn’t love rainn wilson? no one. that’s who. jesus titty fucking christ, just go see the fucking movie already. fucking hell, dude. seriously.

i went to see Atonement this weekend. before you ask, no, there was not a nude scene. believe it or not, that was not why i went. (seriously.) the main attraction for me was the long take that i kept hearing about. it was an insane five minute sequence requiring an infinite amount of orchestration. if you go to see the movie, and you hear James McAvoy say “i smell the sea,” sit up and start paying attention. other than that one extremely awesome shot, the movie wasn’t bad. not the greatest story, but really well shot. and they showed the word “cunt” in really big letters. so there’s that, too.

i just started listening to Peter, Bjorn, and John and i’ve been dancing around [in my head] to their music all week. quick, someone welcome me to 2006.

i just watched the trailer for Machine Girl, and it’s left me feeling strange. i know how i should feel. i should have a boner from the overwhelming amount of awesomeness that i just witnessed. but instead, i’m left feeling a little bored. is it possible that i finally went over the edge? could i have pushed the threshold to the point that there is no longer a threshold? i guess it’s just a matter of time before the internet does this to everyone. you can only experience things like two girls, one cup so many times before something snaps. or maybe it’s just the hormones.


fuck a duck

28 11 2007

dog on duck

here’s the deal. with this baby on the way, i got a shit ton of things to do. so don’t expect me to be updating much for the rest of the year. but keep checking BITA. everyday. at least twice a day.

have i mentioned lately how much i love japanese people? 1 2 3 4 5 6 … i fucking love those crazy bastards. children’s television is really going apeshit. if i had seen that when i was a little kid, i probably would’ve shat my pants. but at least i’d know how to count to six.

iphone owner gets pwned!!1!!1!11!!!oen!!!11!

Sienna Miller will play Baroness in the upcoming GI Joe movie. now i’m about a billion times more likely to see the fucking GI Joe movie. (although, i’m told that any number multiplied by zero is still zero.)

i just recently discovered the magic of podcasts. people are always telling me i’m “on the cutting edge” and i see no reason to disagree. if you like movies, and you have a long drive to work, and you are scared of signing up for an itunes account, and you are in to bestiality, and you like movies, check out Creative Screenwriting Magazine’s blog. you can download all of their podcasts from the past year as MP3s, so all of you ipodophobes can play them on your giant, gas powered mp3 players.

christmas came early for lonely guys who masturbate a lot. (did you catch the pun?) Jessica Alba’s top 5 sexiest moments.

i went to see No Country for Old Men this past weekend. it was really fucking good. really good, but still able to piss off most people who see it. i’ll save you any potential let down; do not expect a big climactic ending. that’s as much as i’ll give away. the sound and cinematography were fucking sick. the sound was especially good. like, almost as good as The Conversation. also, i’ve never seen an “action” movie with so much depth to the story. i’ve only had the chance to see it once, but i want to watch it about five more times just to let everything digest. also, Javier Bardem is the ultimate bad ass.

fat kid avoids ridicule. the onion always finds those feel good stories that remind you of the irrepressible human spirit. or something.

i JUST found out that Zooey Deschanel is signed on to play Janis Joplin in the new biopic Gospel According to Janis. although i generally think Zooey Deschanel playing anyone in anything is the greatest idea ever, i have a problem with Janis Joplin being played by one of the most attractive women EVER. (i may have a bit of a crush.) the problem is, one of the things that played into Janis’s insecurity and self destruction was her feeling that she was butt fucking ugly. (her words, not mine.) i realize that hollywood has a fucking terrible time trying to cast unattractive women, but this is way the fuck out there. BONUS: there will be a NUDE SCENE. i already have a boner.


17 11 2007


i’m not that into sports. i tend to be more interested in the uniforms.

i do not like shia labeouf. i am not happy that he is playing Indiana Jones‘ son in Crystal Skull. i guess i’m not alone.

djew ever see sylvester stallone‘s porno, Italian Stallion? (serious.) it’s showing RIGHT NOW, at the Music Box in chicago. if you live there, you should not pass up the opportunity to see sly stallone’s itallian sausage. (weak.) or the anal sex scene that i’ve heard so much about. (lie.)

it’s Martin Scorsese‘ birthday. it’s also RuPaul‘s birthday. woo hoo. what else is there to say?

not cool

12 11 2007

not cool

i just started watching David Duchovny‘s new show, Californication.  (it’s not really new, but i never had showtime, so fuck me.)  it’s pretty good so far.  i’ve only seen the first two episodes and i’ve already seen about 37 boobs.  it’s kind of like entourage, except rather than being about an actor and his friends, it’s about fox mulder banging every girl in LA.  hurray boobs.

i saw american gangster this weekend.  the ending was kind of weak, but for the most part it was pretty good. denzel is cool. russel crow is tolerable. other than the ending, the only thing that bothered me was how hard the movie was trying to relate to the modern world.  at the beginning of the movie this guy goes off about how all these companies like toshiba and sony are taking all the jobs from the americans and moving them to china.  keep in mind, the movie was set in the late 60’s.  WTF was Ridley Scott trying to pull?  i would be getting really pissed off right now, if i had more energy.  but fuck it.

remember when i said Righteous Kill was going to be good?  NEVERFUCKINGMIND.  i just watched the trailer.  apparently, they decided against making another kick ass crime drama à la Heat, and instead made an 80’s cop drama parody à la Loaded Weapon 1.  seriously, watch the first 7 seconds of the trailer and try not to pee your pants laughing (or crying).

if you have any questions about the writers’ strike, John August is here with the answers.

do you ever think about how if michael jackson would have died in 1988, everyone (especially michael jackson) would have been much better off?  i feel the same way about weezer.  rivers cuomo may not have ever fondled a little boy’s tig and berries, but i think his last album deserves an equally harsh punishment.  btw, weezer is releasing a new album.

i’m excited about heath ledger playing the joker in the upcoming batman movie.  jack nicholson is not.  how the fuck does mtv always get the best interviews?  it’s just like carson fucking daly.  he ALWAYS gets the best guests.  and his show is on at, like, four in the morning.  my theory is that all celebrities are insecure, so being interviewed by someone who is more intelligent than them is a terrifying idea.  but being interviewed by carson daly is like being in a fight to the death with a baby koala bear.


29 10 2007

hardcore halloween

don’t forget, kids. the writers guild strike is coming. like, in the next two hours. so kiss your tv and movies goodbye, and strap in for a long, boring existence watching poorly produced internet bullshit.

wired had a great article today about the resurgence of vinyl and the idiocy of the music industry. yeah, i know it’s not new news. but at least it’s fucking interesting.

maddox, if you didn’t know already, is some guy with a website who is raping the internet for all it’s worth. here are his opinions on women’s fashion.

in the spirit of hallofuckingween, here’s a list of 5 reasons zombies could really exist. which reminds me. have you all been watching the Evil Dead movies like i told you to [you lazy motherfuckers]?

the tragic death of a political leader whom you never had a problem with IS NOT FUNNY. unless he was killed by monkeys.

lately, the internet (btw, i will no longer be using clever euphemisms for the internet. the joke is fucking old and i will no longer participate in this pop culture bullshit.) has been buzzing about all the fucking superhero movies that are coming as a result of the JLA movie. (i am intentionally not linking to anything.) as a kid who grew up on comic books, i have this opinion: if you are going to make a movie about the heroes of my childhood, at fucking least try to do a half assed job. i had a spiderman the movie poster hanging in my room a year before the fucking movie came out. spiderman was my favorite comic, and the idea of a spiderman movie had given me a boner since before i knew i had a penis. and then it came out, and i watched it, and i enjoyed it, and i went on with my life. meanwhile, hollywood went fucking ape shit for comic book movies, which was inevitable with new cgi technology. the problem was, as with any big hollywood trend, quality took a backseat to churning out the worst shit imaginable because the studios knew that nerds like me would go see it NO MATTER WHAT. so here we are in the aftermath of spiderman. there are some potentially great comic book movies coming out (Iron Man and The Dark Knight), but there are also fucking countless potentially terrible comic book movies on the horizon. i just wish someone would fucking stop those assholes from raping my fucking childhood.

Malcom X once said that people swear because they lack the knowledge to communicate properly (i may be paraphrasing), and i think that is god damn spot on. i swear because i cannot fucking express myself fully otherwise. fuck is the single most versatile word in the english language, and therefore a crutch to people like me who do not possess the lexicon to properly communicate our thoughts and feelings. i fucking hate it, but it’s a fucking fact of life. i am a fucking fuck addict. (not to say that i am addicted to sexual intercourse. i would have to find someone to have sex with before that could be true.) i am simply saying, fuck is my heroine. and i am kurt fucking cobain. [i’m also not very fucking funny.]

federal [pound me in the ass] prison

23 10 2007


supposedly, Bruce Campbell’s new/old movie My Name Is Bruce is finally getting released on dvd in the fall of 2007. correct me if i’m wrong, but doesn’t that mean that it either already came out, or it’s coming out in the next two months? this is either good news, or just another cock tease. i guess we’ll see soon enough. (if anyone has it on their computer, i’ll pay good money/sex for a copy.)

i just used this picture in the description of a video on the BITA page, but i had to post it again here on the MAIN PAGE. i (like most people who don’t rape babies) do not like the band creed. there was a time when it was fun to laugh at all the stupid shit they would do. but after a while, it got old and i stopped caring. but tonight, i came across this picture, and all the joy of laughing at creed came rushing back. if you’re too lazy to click on the link, just imagine four guys who think they are Jesus, posing shirtless, and possibly pantless, and looking VERY sexy. (there’s nothing i love more than a sexy jesus.)

fucking internet. they took something that’s annoying in real life, and made it virtually annoying. this is exactly why certain people (college students majoring in computer science) need to use lubricant when they masturbate. if you flog a dry dolphin long enough, eventually you have to stop and do something else for a while. and those fuckers have nothing of value to contribute to the world.

did you hear about OiNK? apparently the cleveland police dept. went to amsterdam and arrested some british dude who was running the best music sharing torrent site on the www. which is fine with me. the only thing i hate more than music is rich people not getting richer. god bless the RIAA and the cleveland pd.

more ironic than u

7 10 2007

eat a queer fetus for jesus

UPDATE: i thought of a title!  and what a title it is.

there is FINALLY a trailer for the new Futurama movie. watching it made me feel like i was in college again. except with more money. and less happiness.

i heart Metric. way to go jasper for ripping and posting this.

i also heart Zooey Deschanel, which is the only reason i can think of to watch her new wizard of oz remake, Tin Man. good luck just getting through the preview.

break dancing + children = awesome and hilarious. something tells me i shouldn’t be having kids of my own, anytime soon.