i sincerely want to fuck the taste out of your mouth

30 03 2010

back again.  with some real shit for once.  set boners to stun.  here we go.

the other day, the movie australia was on tv.  you know, the movie with wolverine and tom cruise’s old beard, both doing really bad australian accents.   the movie opens with the following line:  “the territory was a land of crocodiles, cattle barons, and warrior chiefs, where adventure and romance was a way of life.”  OMG!!!!!!!  how did the studio let that go???  i mean, this fucking movie cost at least $100 million to make, and they didn’t even bother to check the grammar.  ???  i’m all for keeping the studio out of the creative process, but at some point, you have to rein in the nut you hired to drive your zeppelin.  [in case you missed that, australia = hindenberg.]

ytf is everyone so excited about Scott Pilgrim vs. The World?  the film blog nerd universe has the biggest hard-on (-?) for this movie, but i can’t figure out why.  i mean, i love Edgar Wright as much as the next androgynous blogger, but neither Simon Pegg nor Nick Frost are even in this movie.  i have been anxiously awaiting Michael Cera playing a character other than George Michael, and maybe SPvTW will be what i’ve been waiting for.  or maybe it’s just another overstylized POS comicbook movie.  time will tell.  in the meantime, watch the motherfucking trailer!!!

hot tub time machine.  seriously.  that title is like a punch in the genitals.  it’s like some guy went to see wild hogs and thought, “i can make something dumber than that.”  but rather than doing it with tim allen, this guy wanted to go for a higher degree of difficulty.  so he went out and got people that are actually funny and tried to force them all to suck ass.  but what’s really fucked up is that httm keeps getting good reviews.  even aint it cool news [worst/most respected on the internet/still fucking terrible film blog] was quoted [in the commercial] as saying “run, don’t walk to see hot tub time machine.”  when i heard that, i totally forgot about whether or not httm was any good, and was focused only on the fact that people still say “run, don’t walk to see…”  fuck.  how?  FUCK!!  i am so pissed off about this.  seriously, please, somebody go pull the fucking plug on that fucking motherfuck shit ass movie blog fuck stain.  cunt.  ridiculous.

Klaus Kinski makes christian bale look like a fucking pussy.  (i busted out bold font.  that’s how serious i am.)  that dude was fucking great.  and by “great”, i mean “fucking bat shit crazy.”

today’s post brought to you by the word “fuck.”  filling in the gaps in your lexicon for over 100 years.  fuck.  you can’t fucking live without it.

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reminder: spielberg is brilliant (and is pissing it all away) / we’re going to need a bigger boat

14 03 2010

[apparently, i wrote this a year and a half ago and never posted it.  as with everything i write, it seems retarded now when i reread it, but oh well.  i don’t exactly have standards, anyway.]

i am watching jaws.  RIGHT NOW.  and, just as i am every time i watch this movie, i’m blown away by how good it really is.  remember that scene when brody is at his kitchen table contemplating how fucked up of a situation he is in, and then his son is sitting there mimicking everything he is doing?  and then mr holland and his opus walk in and say, “is your husband home?  i would like to talk to him.” and mrs brody says, “so would i.”  ??? there are a million moments like that in this movie.  this is one of those movies where, no matter how many times you watch it, you can always find something new that is awesome.  it is undeniably a classic, and it is one of spielberg’s best.  not to mention his first real success as a director.  it proved that he was capable of tapping in to something very deep and basic about human people.  he showed his greatness with this film.  of course, his greatest talent has always been recognizing a great story, but with this film he showed that he was capable of something so much more difficult.

“mary ann lamoffet.  she broke my heart.”

also, while i’m here, i should mention that you should really watch The Taking of Pelham One Two Three [1974, not 2009 for fuck’s sake].  in addition to having Robert Shaw playing the lead bad guy, it has Walter Mathau giving his best performance EVR.  not to mention, Quentin Tarantino fucking loves stealing from this movie.  so there you go.  that’s my movie recommendation for the year.

[back to modern day reality, 2010.]  so just by coincidence, i just found this article about CGI and the dangers/stupidity of remaking classics, just because you can, and the scary as fuckballs idea of spielberg remaking Jaws.  the only thing worse than taking a classic film and inserting CGI effects, is trying to remake the film with shia lebouf.  both of which are things that spielberg fucking loves.





last second live blog

8 03 2010

the dead person thinkg is going on right now.  i hate james taylor.  apparently the guy from kung fu died.  they didn’t say how.  that’s weird.  michael jackson?  why?dude didn’t do shit.

i would still bone cindy crawford.

fuck j lo.  and why is that guy talking with an accent?  fuck that guy too.  ummm.  who are all these gay ass people and why can’t i fast forward?  OMG!  they are doing a Hurt Locker dance.  HAHHA.  this guy is doing the robot!  FUCKING AMAZING.  somebody fucking shoot me.  that’s it.  i’m pausing it, so i can fast forward through this bull shit.

george clooney is soo high.  up won.  dude is lost.  how can he be lost.  look for the ugly whore holding the gold statue.  walk there.  easy.

another douche with an accent, announcing the visual effects oscar.  if ANYONE other than avatar win, i will be so fucking happy.  even star trek…  fuck.  oh well. jesus christ!  james cameron’s wife is ugly.

the bad guy from hackers just won an oscar for killing dolphins.  oh man.  the oscar people are suck dicks.  they just cut away from the producer who held up a sign.  text “dolphin” to 44144 and one dolphin will be killed in your name.

tyler perry is on tv.  i can see why he is so popular.  NOT.  The Hurt Locker just won for editing.  someon just said sam raimi.  and whores.  i think.

this is sooo fucking boring.  i want t o go to bed.  i’m doing this for u.

[now 6pm the following day]  i apparently passed out right after typing that.  so what did i miss?  sandra bullock won something.  wtfc?  jeff bridges won for that movie that i didn’t see because it’s about country music and i am racist against country music.  The Hurt Locker beat the fuck out of avatar.  thank fuck.  (nothing against avatar.  i guess.  it’s just a joke to call it the best movie of the year.  not to mention, The Hurt Locker was awesome.  fucking awesome.)

and i guess that was it.  now lets just cross our fingers that they cancel next year’s oscars.





irony is still gay

22 02 2010

i guess i should explain where i’ve been all this time.  you see, like most people who use the internet as a substitute for normal human interaction, i went through a period of extreme depression.  my way of keeping myself busy so i wouldn’t hang myself was to write a blog.  however, i eventually started having consensual sex, which led to me cheering up and not needing the blog anymore.   although i’m no longer super suicidal,  i’ve been feeling like maybe i should give this thing a second shot.  the internet needs me.  i’m sure of it.  so here we go…

have you been watching The Life and Times of Tim?  why the fuck not!  jesus titty fucking christ!  are you fucking retarded?!  is sarah palin your mom?!1  eat shit and die, you waste of humanity!!!  …  ooook, so i may have overreacted.  but yeah, you should probably watch it.  it’s one of the best things on television.  seriously.  if you are already a fan (which you should be (but don’t get me going again)) you should check out this interview with the guy who does the stuff.  and if your name is twig, here is a good intro to one of the best animated shows in the fucking universe.

did you see Shutter Island?  i did.  let me first say that i think Scorsese is one of the greatest directors of all time.  i know that sounds cliche, but fuck you.  it’s true.  HOWEVER, that does not mean that every lump of shit he touches turns to gold.  this particular lump of shit turned kind of yellowish.  but definitely not gold.  i get the feeling that Scorsese never bothered to watch Fight Club.  you cannot have a movie about crazy people who see crazy shit, and expect the audience to just accept what you are telling them.  everyone is expecting a twist, so when the time comes, that twist better be fucking amazing.  the ending of shutter island was not only not fucking amazing, it was dull.  so dull that i’m bored of even talking about it.

have you been listening to Sleigh Bells?  fuck.  seriously, wtf have you been doing for the past year?  how is it possible you’ve lasted this long without me?  if you like music, and awesomeness, you will like Sleigh Bells.  i don’t think a proper recording of any of their songs actually exists right now, which means that, even through your $1000 stereo, it’s going to sound like you’re blasting laptop speakers.  which is kind of awesome in itself.  i think it may have been intentional.  and if it wasn’t, it should’ve been.

this concludes my return to the internet.  see you in 2011.  in the meantime, follow me on twitter.  @fuckedyourgrandpa





i’m halle berry

25 02 2008

guess what i’m doing. i’m LIVE blogging about the oscars. that’s right, i’m not even waiting til its over to spew my nonsensical bullshit. i’m typing as it happens. and drinking in between. here we go.

i just saw the fat guys from superbad. they said something about black women.

juno just lost best actress. wow. this german woman is really excited.i think forrest whitaker is gonna bone her back stage.

do women have week hearts? what is diet coke trying to make me aware of? will their heart explode if you piss them off? wtf? and who the fuck would want heidi klum’s dress [other than lonely perves who want to use it for masturbatorial purposes]?

wii tennis on the oscars. swiit. (terrible)

once was a really good movie. and the music was also very good. but this musical performance is kind of creeping me out. the oscars is too big (in a bad way) for this song. they DO NOT need an orchestra. oh fucking well. i love that he still uses that guitar though. i thought it was just a prop for the movie, but it’s actually not. he’s been playing on the same acoustic guitar for so long that he has literally worn holes in it.

nicholson is great. he is the only person who is delivering his prewritten speech without sounding like he’s just reading some bullshit off of a teleprompter. even though he is. but that’s why he’s fucked more woman than God. he is the man.

now there showing every movie that won best picture for the past 80 years. it probably shouldn’t be surprising, but this a really good list. right up until they get to the mid 90s. braveheart, the english patient, titanic, shakespeare in love, gladiator, and chicago. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH US? how could the past ten years of movies suck so badly that those flaming pieces of shit all won best picture?

i really liked the bourne ultimatum, but how the fuck is it winning so many oscars? i turned this shit on in the middle of the show and bourne has already won about 37 oscars.

“film editing. someone just took the lead in their office oscar pool based on a guess.” how can you not love jon stewart?

nicole kidman is wearing 3 billion dollars worth of diamonds. remember last year when it was almost uncool to wear diamonds because of the movie Blood Diamond? thank God that trend is over. |get back to work, you lazy african diamond mining slaves. nicole kidman still needs 53 more stones for her oscar necklace.|

holy crap. that guy is fuckingold. robert boyle, i believe. i think they just gave him an oscar for living to be 124 years old. oh man. i was just about to say that at least he is still mentally sharp, but then the old man brain took over. now he’s rambling on like any steriotypical old ass guy who wants to tell you stories about the 30s and about how much milk used to cost. holy shit. i just spilled beer on my new couch and i had to run to the kitchen to get shit to clean it up, and after i was done cleaning up the mess i realized that the old guy is STILL talking. someone needs to grow some balls and start playing the “wrap it up” music.

i find it strange that all these movie stars [and professional assholes] who normally present themselves as overly confident pricks, are obviously so nervous. it just goes to show, something. maybe i’ll finish this thought later.

Billy Wilder was austrian. i did not know that.

these musical performances are fucking awful. if i hadn’t just spilled another beer, i would’ve been fast forwarding through that shit. but unfortunately, my crouch was wet. so i was preoccupied.

if once doesn’t win best song, i will fucking kill myself. just wait. here it comes. give it to me travolta. YES. that is fucking awesome.

“that guy is so arrogant.” i heart jon stewart. this will not be funny later. but i nearly pissed myself when it happened.

wow. i love those once guys.

remember when cameron diaz was hot? i don’t. “For There Will Be Blood” just won an oscar. i hate cameron diaz.

holy shit. i didn’t know jack valenti died. why the fuck didn’t people cheer louder. that ass hole is finally in hell where he belongs. thank fuck. and of course, the grand finale of dead people, heathe [i heart pills] ledger.

jon stewart is probably the best oscars host EVAR. that’s right, i said EVAR.

oh man. they’re having an award presented by military personnel stationed in iraq. that just goes to show, hollywood is run by liberal pussies. and tom hanks. liberal pussies. and tom hanks. i bet their about to give an oscar to Michael Moore. holy crap. i guess i need to rent Taxi to the Dark Side.

i just remembered i saw the trailer for the new Indiana Jones movie. and it gave me a giant boner.

Diablo Cody just won the oscar for best screen play. what a fucking cry baby. she also wins the award for worst dress ever. i hate to rag on anyone for not fitting in at the biggest conformist celebration in the world, but god damn it, leopard print? really? fucking, come on.

here comes a big one. lead actor. get ready to shed a tear. holy shit. that old bitch has more diamonds than nicole kidman. fuck those africans. why are they even bothering with this? just give it to Daniel Day Lewis, and let’s go home. there you go. ddl is the shit. haha. he just accepted the award in the name of his grandfather, father, and 3 sons, but not in the name of his daughters. just goes to show what a daughter is worth. (i may have just made that up.)

i wish they would’ve given jon stewart more to do in the past 30 minutes of the show.

joel and ethan coen just won best director. that’s cool. i don’t even remember who i was pulling for 30 seconds ago. but i’m not disappointed now.

denzel looks like he has somewhere better to be and he can’t wait to get out of here. …….. woah. i am really shocked now. no country for old men just won best picture. wow. this is “oscar magic.”

and that was the oscars. i guess i missed owen wilson showing everone what a failure he is by not being able to kill himself. oh well. oh shit. what did javier bardem win? he is the shit. god damn it. i wish i would have turned this shit on earlier. why the fuck are they playing the mission impossible song? god damn it. i fucking hate the oscars.





rambo has restored my faith in humanity

31 01 2008
so cute

a while back i said that Rambo 4 was going to be the most violent movie in the history of movies. i could not have been more excited. i seriously had a violence boner for the whole month of january. and now that i have seen it, i know you are crapping in your computer chair waiting for me to tell you what i thought. (either that, or you are just scanning this page for NAKED PICTURES OF LAURA PREPON.) well here you go… Rambo 4/First Blood: Part IV/To Hell and Back/Holy War/The Cobra’s Pearl Necklace/John Rambo took every one of my expectations, and raped them with a machete. this movie was more of everything i thought than i could have ever expected. i’m talking severed limbs, atom bombs, child molestation, spilled intestines, and a baby being ripped out of his mother’s arms and thrown in a fire [just for the fuck of it]. the dialogue was even amazing. have you ever heard a line better than, “when you’re pushed, killin’s as easy as breathin”? oh, and remember the scene from the trailer where Rambo rips the guy’s throat out with his bare hand? i have never heard a theater cheer so loud in my life. in fact, the whole crowd (95% wieners) was going ape shit with cheers/laughter for the whole movie. it was truly the anti-Juno, and i fucking loved it.

before the movie they showed a couple previews that were almost as entertaining as the movie itself. the first was a pretty crappy trailer about a guy who accidentally takes a picture of a serial killer murdering someone on the subway and then tries catching him. it all looked very “dramatic” and “intense” and “fucking terrible.” the trailer dragged on for about 3 hours until finally, the pay off. the title of the movie was MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN. not joking. seriously called that. seriously. see for yourself.

the second preview got me almost as excited as Rambo 4’s trailer. (but not quite.) it was for a movie called Doomsday which is every futuristic apocalyptic sci-fi action movie you’ve ever seen. but instead of mel [i eat jew babies for strength] gibson, they have this girl. i’m not sure if this movie will really be the shit, or if i was just really jacked up on the Rambo juice. i guess we’ll find out in march. in the meantime, watch the trailer.





i saw cloverfield

22 01 2008
jj

… and i can’t wash it off.

i realize that this may sound strange for someone who has a blog about movies and stuff, but i just found out about how awesome netflix is.  it is really quite fucking awesome.  as much as i miss going to a cool video store to rent movies, u can’t beat the experience of renting movies while sitting naked, spread eagle on your couch [or your roommate’s couch], while playing with your balls.  i came pretty close to that experience once at a blockbuster.  needless to say, it ended badly.  so anyway, i just posted my entire fucking queue, and after reading through it again, i realized that that is the most personal thing i have ever posted here, on this bloggish thing you’re reading.  i mean, i feel like i really just exposed myself to you, and i’m feeling exceptionally vulnerable.  it’s like, what are you going to point and laugh at first?  my red pubes, my small penis, or my left testicle which hangs much lower than the right [and is also significantly larger].  anyway, i like netflix.

i watched Jackass Number Two for the first time this weekend.  i remembered jackass being kind of funny when i was in highskool, or college, but i never really got into it.  but holy titty fuck was JNT funny.  i don’t know if it’s because i’m getting less and less mature as i get older and older, or if it’s because my tastes are becoming more and more refined and jackass is intellectually stimulating on a level i am only now able to appreciate.  either way, that movie was fucking funny.  not only did it make me laugh, but it also made me come closer to throwing up than any other movie, EVER.