i’m halle berry

25 02 2008

guess what i’m doing. i’m LIVE blogging about the oscars. that’s right, i’m not even waiting til its over to spew my nonsensical bullshit. i’m typing as it happens. and drinking in between. here we go.

i just saw the fat guys from superbad. they said something about black women.

juno just lost best actress. wow. this german woman is really excited.i think forrest whitaker is gonna bone her back stage.

do women have week hearts? what is diet coke trying to make me aware of? will their heart explode if you piss them off? wtf? and who the fuck would want heidi klum’s dress [other than lonely perves who want to use it for masturbatorial purposes]?

wii tennis on the oscars. swiit. (terrible)

once was a really good movie. and the music was also very good. but this musical performance is kind of creeping me out. the oscars is too big (in a bad way) for this song. they DO NOT need an orchestra. oh fucking well. i love that he still uses that guitar though. i thought it was just a prop for the movie, but it’s actually not. he’s been playing on the same acoustic guitar for so long that he has literally worn holes in it.

nicholson is great. he is the only person who is delivering his prewritten speech without sounding like he’s just reading some bullshit off of a teleprompter. even though he is. but that’s why he’s fucked more woman than God. he is the man.

now there showing every movie that won best picture for the past 80 years. it probably shouldn’t be surprising, but this a really good list. right up until they get to the mid 90s. braveheart, the english patient, titanic, shakespeare in love, gladiator, and chicago. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH US? how could the past ten years of movies suck so badly that those flaming pieces of shit all won best picture?

i really liked the bourne ultimatum, but how the fuck is it winning so many oscars? i turned this shit on in the middle of the show and bourne has already won about 37 oscars.

“film editing. someone just took the lead in their office oscar pool based on a guess.” how can you not love jon stewart?

nicole kidman is wearing 3 billion dollars worth of diamonds. remember last year when it was almost uncool to wear diamonds because of the movie Blood Diamond? thank God that trend is over. |get back to work, you lazy african diamond mining slaves. nicole kidman still needs 53 more stones for her oscar necklace.|

holy crap. that guy is fuckingold. robert boyle, i believe. i think they just gave him an oscar for living to be 124 years old. oh man. i was just about to say that at least he is still mentally sharp, but then the old man brain took over. now he’s rambling on like any steriotypical old ass guy who wants to tell you stories about the 30s and about how much milk used to cost. holy shit. i just spilled beer on my new couch and i had to run to the kitchen to get shit to clean it up, and after i was done cleaning up the mess i realized that the old guy is STILL talking. someone needs to grow some balls and start playing the “wrap it up” music.

i find it strange that all these movie stars [and professional assholes] who normally present themselves as overly confident pricks, are obviously so nervous. it just goes to show, something. maybe i’ll finish this thought later.

Billy Wilder was austrian. i did not know that.

these musical performances are fucking awful. if i hadn’t just spilled another beer, i would’ve been fast forwarding through that shit. but unfortunately, my crouch was wet. so i was preoccupied.

if once doesn’t win best song, i will fucking kill myself. just wait. here it comes. give it to me travolta. YES. that is fucking awesome.

“that guy is so arrogant.” i heart jon stewart. this will not be funny later. but i nearly pissed myself when it happened.

wow. i love those once guys.

remember when cameron diaz was hot? i don’t. “For There Will Be Blood” just won an oscar. i hate cameron diaz.

holy shit. i didn’t know jack valenti died. why the fuck didn’t people cheer louder. that ass hole is finally in hell where he belongs. thank fuck. and of course, the grand finale of dead people, heathe [i heart pills] ledger.

jon stewart is probably the best oscars host EVAR. that’s right, i said EVAR.

oh man. they’re having an award presented by military personnel stationed in iraq. that just goes to show, hollywood is run by liberal pussies. and tom hanks. liberal pussies. and tom hanks. i bet their about to give an oscar to Michael Moore. holy crap. i guess i need to rent Taxi to the Dark Side.

i just remembered i saw the trailer for the new Indiana Jones movie. and it gave me a giant boner.

Diablo Cody just won the oscar for best screen play. what a fucking cry baby. she also wins the award for worst dress ever. i hate to rag on anyone for not fitting in at the biggest conformist celebration in the world, but god damn it, leopard print? really? fucking, come on.

here comes a big one. lead actor. get ready to shed a tear. holy shit. that old bitch has more diamonds than nicole kidman. fuck those africans. why are they even bothering with this? just give it to Daniel Day Lewis, and let’s go home. there you go. ddl is the shit. haha. he just accepted the award in the name of his grandfather, father, and 3 sons, but not in the name of his daughters. just goes to show what a daughter is worth. (i may have just made that up.)

i wish they would’ve given jon stewart more to do in the past 30 minutes of the show.

joel and ethan coen just won best director. that’s cool. i don’t even remember who i was pulling for 30 seconds ago. but i’m not disappointed now.

denzel looks like he has somewhere better to be and he can’t wait to get out of here. …….. woah. i am really shocked now. no country for old men just won best picture. wow. this is “oscar magic.”

and that was the oscars. i guess i missed owen wilson showing everone what a failure he is by not being able to kill himself. oh well. oh shit. what did javier bardem win? he is the shit. god damn it. i wish i would have turned this shit on earlier. why the fuck are they playing the mission impossible song? god damn it. i fucking hate the oscars.


the only day i don’t wear a costume is halloween

30 10 2007

happy clown

ninja parade.

trent and saul.

kevin smith.

top 25 horror films.


wood allen.

Evil Dead 2.

i’m lazy on strike.


21 10 2007

black cobra

internet trends are fun. and by fun, i mean fucking annoying. but this one continues to entertaining me.

i was debating posting a link to this article, the ten best sci-fi movies that were never made, or just blatantly stealing from it. apparently, my blogger ethics kicked in. either that, or i’m too lazy to even steal. just read the article. and pretend that i wrote the shit about star wars.

it appears puddlegum has cracked the radiohead mystery.  i can finally sleep at night.

i have a homework assignment for you.  i’m bringing back lolcatz for halloween.  (i know what i just said about internet trends, but lolcatz is more than just an internet trend.  it’s a cultural phenomenon.)  your assignment: add funny captions using bad spelling to these pictures.  i spent a lot of time dressing up those cats.  the least you could do is write a “im in ur ____, ____ing ur ____.”

more ironic than u

7 10 2007

eat a queer fetus for jesus

UPDATE: i thought of a title!  and what a title it is.

there is FINALLY a trailer for the new Futurama movie. watching it made me feel like i was in college again. except with more money. and less happiness.

i heart Metric. way to go jasper for ripping and posting this.

i also heart Zooey Deschanel, which is the only reason i can think of to watch her new wizard of oz remake, Tin Man. good luck just getting through the preview.

break dancing + children = awesome and hilarious. something tells me i shouldn’t be having kids of my own, anytime soon.

fuck art. let’s dance.

4 10 2007


spiders on drugs is SO old.  and yet SO FUCKING great.  if you like nature, and spiders, and drugs, and nature documentaries about spiders on drugs….. this fucking video is right up your fucking alley.  fucekr.

the new batman movie is going to kick ass.  trust michael caine.

i bet you didn’t know this, but i love watching kids hurt themselves.  [you should watch that video with the sound off.  trust me.]

float on

21 09 2007

dog on monkey

i no longer browse the internet with a purpose. i sit down at my computer, i open my web browser, and i just start to drift through the randomness of an ungodly amount of information, inevitably ending up at a porn site.

this is some crazy shit. they’re like, the fucking jedi masters of beer pong. or something.

rock, paper, scissors is for fucking kids (not literally). welcome to the 21st century, bitches.

the funniest joke in the world. you have to love monty python. or else.

i don’t understand how certain things end up on wikipedia. like this list of unusual deaths, for example. just a warning, i started reading this list thinking it sounded funny/interesting. although there are a few entertaining incidents, after reading the whole list and reading the accompanying stories for a few, i am now severely depressed. ride the bump to feel my pain.

Read the rest of this entry »

go away

15 09 2007

remember the days when i was the only person reading my blog? i do. it was only three weeks ago. i miss those days. i didn’t mind other people (you) reading it, at first, because i naturally assumed that those people (you) would send me money. because that didn’t work out, i’ve decided to take a stab at reducing the number of people (you) that visit this site. enjoy the video.