rambo has restored my faith in humanity

31 01 2008
so cute

a while back i said that Rambo 4 was going to be the most violent movie in the history of movies. i could not have been more excited. i seriously had a violence boner for the whole month of january. and now that i have seen it, i know you are crapping in your computer chair waiting for me to tell you what i thought. (either that, or you are just scanning this page for NAKED PICTURES OF LAURA PREPON.) well here you go… Rambo 4/First Blood: Part IV/To Hell and Back/Holy War/The Cobra’s Pearl Necklace/John Rambo took every one of my expectations, and raped them with a machete. this movie was more of everything i thought than i could have ever expected. i’m talking severed limbs, atom bombs, child molestation, spilled intestines, and a baby being ripped out of his mother’s arms and thrown in a fire [just for the fuck of it]. the dialogue was even amazing. have you ever heard a line better than, “when you’re pushed, killin’s as easy as breathin”? oh, and remember the scene from the trailer where Rambo rips the guy’s throat out with his bare hand? i have never heard a theater cheer so loud in my life. in fact, the whole crowd (95% wieners) was going ape shit with cheers/laughter for the whole movie. it was truly the anti-Juno, and i fucking loved it.

before the movie they showed a couple previews that were almost as entertaining as the movie itself. the first was a pretty crappy trailer about a guy who accidentally takes a picture of a serial killer murdering someone on the subway and then tries catching him. it all looked very “dramatic” and “intense” and “fucking terrible.” the trailer dragged on for about 3 hours until finally, the pay off. the title of the movie was MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN. not joking. seriously called that. seriously. see for yourself.

the second preview got me almost as excited as Rambo 4’s trailer. (but not quite.) it was for a movie called Doomsday which is every futuristic apocalyptic sci-fi action movie you’ve ever seen. but instead of mel [i eat jew babies for strength] gibson, they have this girl. i’m not sure if this movie will really be the shit, or if i was just really jacked up on the Rambo juice. i guess we’ll find out in march. in the meantime, watch the trailer.


i saw cloverfield

22 01 2008

… and i can’t wash it off.

i realize that this may sound strange for someone who has a blog about movies and stuff, but i just found out about how awesome netflix is.  it is really quite fucking awesome.  as much as i miss going to a cool video store to rent movies, u can’t beat the experience of renting movies while sitting naked, spread eagle on your couch [or your roommate’s couch], while playing with your balls.  i came pretty close to that experience once at a blockbuster.  needless to say, it ended badly.  so anyway, i just posted my entire fucking queue, and after reading through it again, i realized that that is the most personal thing i have ever posted here, on this bloggish thing you’re reading.  i mean, i feel like i really just exposed myself to you, and i’m feeling exceptionally vulnerable.  it’s like, what are you going to point and laugh at first?  my red pubes, my small penis, or my left testicle which hangs much lower than the right [and is also significantly larger].  anyway, i like netflix.

i watched Jackass Number Two for the first time this weekend.  i remembered jackass being kind of funny when i was in highskool, or college, but i never really got into it.  but holy titty fuck was JNT funny.  i don’t know if it’s because i’m getting less and less mature as i get older and older, or if it’s because my tastes are becoming more and more refined and jackass is intellectually stimulating on a level i am only now able to appreciate.  either way, that movie was fucking funny.  not only did it make me laugh, but it also made me come closer to throwing up than any other movie, EVER.

netflix is GoD

21 01 2008

my queue is your bitch.  or my bitch.  or you are my bitch.  or you are my queue’s bitch.  or something. [this is why i don’t blog anymore.] Read the rest of this entry »

news flash… Juno didn’t suck

15 01 2008


if you have turned on a tv in the past week, you have seen at least thirty commercials telling you that Juno is the greatest movie ever to be made and that everyone in the country is shitting/cumming in their pants because it is so unbelievably amazing. and you know what? it actually was really fucking good. at least, i think it was. i watched it in a theater packed with drunk teenagers, and my idiot, misogynistic friends. between the highskoolers yelling to each other about who stole beer from whose [or is it whoms] parents’ fridge, and my women hating friends giggling at the serious scenes, it was not easy to fully experience the film. in spite of the overwhelming immaturity and vaginaphobia, i still managed to enjoy it. it was a really good story, and yes [god damn it] it was well written. (i’ll get to Diablo Cody in a minute.) the thing that has all the piss ant bloggers pissing their ant pants is the dialogue. you’ve all seen the fucking trailer, so you should fucking know going into it that the dialogue is stylized. and by stylized, i mean that people in the movie do not talk like people talk in real life. i assume this is especially annoying to people who don’t read [books] (mainly because i like insulting people who disagree with me). to be honest, i was kind of indifferent about the dialogue. everyone either loved it or hated it. except me. i am special. i just really liked the movie for what it was. …

djew hear about Diablo Cody? if not, then you are pop culture retarded. i really liked her after the first couple articles i read about her. but fuck did it get old quick hearing about how she used to be a stripper, and about how she is standing up for women in hollywood, and blah blah fucking fuck blah. the turning point for me was the entertainment weekly interview. (linking to that article would be like willfully spreading an STD (recycling is fun).) in that one article, i got a glimpse of what Bruce Campbell has referred to as “spores.” basically, spores are what infect any and everyone who spends too much time in “hollywood.” they sap your integrity, your intelligence, and your ability to be or to do anything worth a shit. to give you an example of spores, paris hilton‘s mother was not impregnated by sperm. she was impregnated by a spore. Diablo needs to get the fuck out of LfuckingA quick, or else she is going to end up being just another bland as fuck hollywood writer, putting out cutting edge movies like legally blonde and the sweetest thing.

btw, bad news for all of you vaginaphobes. Teeth comes out this weekend!!! i won’t make the same mistake i made with Juno by building this one up. instead, i’ll just give you this. (watch it, you pussy.)

happy burfday to bean

6 01 2008

mr bean

mr bean is 53.  woo hoo for the funniest man to ever come out of england. (other than monty python.)  (and benny hill.)  (and ever other british comedian who is funnier than the bean.)

good news for you bored internet browsing fucks,  i’m driving the sweetest cherry red mustang convertible ever.  and i am about 15 pounds lighter than last week.    with any luck, i’ll be back to blogging regularly sometime this week.  yay for you.

in the meantime, here’s a glimpse of the garbage that i’ll be linking to shortly.  celebrities give their kids funny names.  even vomit inducingly hot celebrities.