at least one of u isn’t a lazy ass

31 10 2007


i’m posting this video in honor of the late, great robert goulet. he will be missed. (by someone. i guess.)

i bet if you asked the people who know me best, what i think about religion, they wouldn’t have the slightest idea, or they’d be way the fuck off. i don’t talk about it much. and all i am going to say about it now is that until 10 minutes ago, i really did believe in something. but after reading this, i am convinced that not only is there not a god, but that human beings are nothing more than apes with above average intelligence, and that life is completely fucking meaningless.

so anyway. have you heard about the marketing campaign for The Dark Knight? it’s fucking nuts. this is like, Trent Reznor nuts. check this out, motherfucker.

danger. danger. high voltage.

“they” just released the trailer for Wanted, and holy crap. it looks slick as fuck. like a crazy awesome action movie. it stars Angelina Jolie, Morgan Freeman, and one of my favorite up and coming (insert semen related joke here) actors James McAvoy. it has the potential to be fucking awesome, but in reality, that only means it has about a 23% chance of not sucking. (i did not bullshit that number. i have a formula. a secret formula.)

happy halloween. bitches.


the only day i don’t wear a costume is halloween

30 10 2007

happy clown

ninja parade.

trent and saul.

kevin smith.

top 25 horror films.


wood allen.

Evil Dead 2.

i’m lazy on strike.


29 10 2007

hardcore halloween

don’t forget, kids. the writers guild strike is coming. like, in the next two hours. so kiss your tv and movies goodbye, and strap in for a long, boring existence watching poorly produced internet bullshit.

wired had a great article today about the resurgence of vinyl and the idiocy of the music industry. yeah, i know it’s not new news. but at least it’s fucking interesting.

maddox, if you didn’t know already, is some guy with a website who is raping the internet for all it’s worth. here are his opinions on women’s fashion.

in the spirit of hallofuckingween, here’s a list of 5 reasons zombies could really exist. which reminds me. have you all been watching the Evil Dead movies like i told you to [you lazy motherfuckers]?

the tragic death of a political leader whom you never had a problem with IS NOT FUNNY. unless he was killed by monkeys.

lately, the internet (btw, i will no longer be using clever euphemisms for the internet. the joke is fucking old and i will no longer participate in this pop culture bullshit.) has been buzzing about all the fucking superhero movies that are coming as a result of the JLA movie. (i am intentionally not linking to anything.) as a kid who grew up on comic books, i have this opinion: if you are going to make a movie about the heroes of my childhood, at fucking least try to do a half assed job. i had a spiderman the movie poster hanging in my room a year before the fucking movie came out. spiderman was my favorite comic, and the idea of a spiderman movie had given me a boner since before i knew i had a penis. and then it came out, and i watched it, and i enjoyed it, and i went on with my life. meanwhile, hollywood went fucking ape shit for comic book movies, which was inevitable with new cgi technology. the problem was, as with any big hollywood trend, quality took a backseat to churning out the worst shit imaginable because the studios knew that nerds like me would go see it NO MATTER WHAT. so here we are in the aftermath of spiderman. there are some potentially great comic book movies coming out (Iron Man and The Dark Knight), but there are also fucking countless potentially terrible comic book movies on the horizon. i just wish someone would fucking stop those assholes from raping my fucking childhood.

Malcom X once said that people swear because they lack the knowledge to communicate properly (i may be paraphrasing), and i think that is god damn spot on. i swear because i cannot fucking express myself fully otherwise. fuck is the single most versatile word in the english language, and therefore a crutch to people like me who do not possess the lexicon to properly communicate our thoughts and feelings. i fucking hate it, but it’s a fucking fact of life. i am a fucking fuck addict. (not to say that i am addicted to sexual intercourse. i would have to find someone to have sex with before that could be true.) i am simply saying, fuck is my heroine. and i am kurt fucking cobain. [i’m also not very fucking funny.]

re lapse

28 10 2007

run sponge bob run

yeah, i am inconsistent. but i’d rather have a few really good entries than a lot of shitty ones. quality over quantity. unfortunately, i’m lacking on both of those.

Owen Wilson just made his first public appearance since attempting suicide a while back. he appeared on this poorly produced myspace show with Wes Anderson. guess what topic they did not discuss.

julia roberts turned 40 today.  does that seem weird to anyone else?  i thought she was at least 60 years old by now.  in fact, i’m kind of surprised that she’s still alive.  the last time i saw her in something, she looked like she was on the verge of death.

so i saw a bunch of movies in the past week, and i’ve been trying to write something about each one, but i am too busy watching youtube. so instead, i’m going to just give each movie a rating on a scale of 1 to 10, because that’s what all the best blogs do.

gone baby gone 7.63
the assassination of jesse james by the coward robert ford 6.92
in the soup 8.17
into the wild 8.34
stranger than paradise 7.18
lonesome jim 6.41
lars and the real girl 7.43
the darjeeling limited 8.45

federal [pound me in the ass] prison

23 10 2007


supposedly, Bruce Campbell’s new/old movie My Name Is Bruce is finally getting released on dvd in the fall of 2007. correct me if i’m wrong, but doesn’t that mean that it either already came out, or it’s coming out in the next two months? this is either good news, or just another cock tease. i guess we’ll see soon enough. (if anyone has it on their computer, i’ll pay good money/sex for a copy.)

i just used this picture in the description of a video on the BITA page, but i had to post it again here on the MAIN PAGE. i (like most people who don’t rape babies) do not like the band creed. there was a time when it was fun to laugh at all the stupid shit they would do. but after a while, it got old and i stopped caring. but tonight, i came across this picture, and all the joy of laughing at creed came rushing back. if you’re too lazy to click on the link, just imagine four guys who think they are Jesus, posing shirtless, and possibly pantless, and looking VERY sexy. (there’s nothing i love more than a sexy jesus.)

fucking internet. they took something that’s annoying in real life, and made it virtually annoying. this is exactly why certain people (college students majoring in computer science) need to use lubricant when they masturbate. if you flog a dry dolphin long enough, eventually you have to stop and do something else for a while. and those fuckers have nothing of value to contribute to the world.

did you hear about OiNK? apparently the cleveland police dept. went to amsterdam and arrested some british dude who was running the best music sharing torrent site on the www. which is fine with me. the only thing i hate more than music is rich people not getting richer. god bless the RIAA and the cleveland pd.


21 10 2007

black cobra

internet trends are fun. and by fun, i mean fucking annoying. but this one continues to entertaining me.

i was debating posting a link to this article, the ten best sci-fi movies that were never made, or just blatantly stealing from it. apparently, my blogger ethics kicked in. either that, or i’m too lazy to even steal. just read the article. and pretend that i wrote the shit about star wars.

it appears puddlegum has cracked the radiohead mystery.  i can finally sleep at night.

i have a homework assignment for you.  i’m bringing back lolcatz for halloween.  (i know what i just said about internet trends, but lolcatz is more than just an internet trend.  it’s a cultural phenomenon.)  your assignment: add funny captions using bad spelling to these pictures.  i spent a lot of time dressing up those cats.  the least you could do is write a “im in ur ____, ____ing ur ____.”

weakend aggression

19 10 2007


although, Francis Ford Coppola is occasionally an obnoxious prick, from time to time he seems like the coolest guy in hollywood. in an upcoming article in GQ, he apparently bashes De Niro, Pacino, and Nicholson. i can’t think of anyone else who could get away with criticizing three of the greatest film actors of all time. here’s the article about it that you’ve already seen thirty times today.

and speaking of Robert De Niro and Al Pacino, i just heard (3 months ago) about their new movie Righteous Kill. yes, you read that correctly. De Niro and Pacino are starring in a movie together for the third time, and unlike Heat where they only shared one scene together, they will be side by side for the entire movie. i realize that Coppola’s recent comments kind of take the piss out of this news, but still. it’s fucking ROBERT DE NIRO and fucking AL PACINO. the whole movie could be the two of them sitting around watching Bewitched, and it would still be good. the movie is about two “veteran” (old) new york city detectives looking for a vigilante who’s out killing bad guys. the supporting cast is pretty aweful, and the only noteworthy thing the director has ever done was fried green tomatoes, but still, it’s fucking De Niro and Pacino.

have you ever wondered what it would be like to have sex with Christian Bale? me either. but this writer for the AV Club has thought about it a lot. she breaks down what it would be like to fuck each of Bales’ characters. not that i ever thought about it before. cause i didn’t. seriously.

earlier today i read some article about some shitty superhero movie that will remain nameless, and they were talking about the actresses that have auditioned to play wonder woman. it was during reading the article that i realized… i am in love with Shannyn Sossamon. she is painfully pretty. and by that i mean that when i look at her, my whole body fucking aches, and not just because all the blood in my body is rushing to my penis. but even more than her sickening hotness, it is her ability to creep me out. in a hot way. she fucking scares me. i think if i ever met her, i would be completely fucking horrified. and not in a “oh my god, it’s a hot movie star” kind of way, but a “oh my god, i’m inches from death” kind of way. there is something infinitely mysterious and terrifying about her. and i like it. (see. i told you i’m not gay.)