i sincerely want to fuck the taste out of your mouth

30 03 2010

back again.  with some real shit for once.  set boners to stun.  here we go.

the other day, the movie australia was on tv.  you know, the movie with wolverine and tom cruise’s old beard, both doing really bad australian accents.   the movie opens with the following line:  “the territory was a land of crocodiles, cattle barons, and warrior chiefs, where adventure and romance was a way of life.”  OMG!!!!!!!  how did the studio let that go???  i mean, this fucking movie cost at least $100 million to make, and they didn’t even bother to check the grammar.  ???  i’m all for keeping the studio out of the creative process, but at some point, you have to rein in the nut you hired to drive your zeppelin.  [in case you missed that, australia = hindenberg.]

ytf is everyone so excited about Scott Pilgrim vs. The World?  the film blog nerd universe has the biggest hard-on (-?) for this movie, but i can’t figure out why.  i mean, i love Edgar Wright as much as the next androgynous blogger, but neither Simon Pegg nor Nick Frost are even in this movie.  i have been anxiously awaiting Michael Cera playing a character other than George Michael, and maybe SPvTW will be what i’ve been waiting for.  or maybe it’s just another overstylized POS comicbook movie.  time will tell.  in the meantime, watch the motherfucking trailer!!!

hot tub time machine.  seriously.  that title is like a punch in the genitals.  it’s like some guy went to see wild hogs and thought, “i can make something dumber than that.”  but rather than doing it with tim allen, this guy wanted to go for a higher degree of difficulty.  so he went out and got people that are actually funny and tried to force them all to suck ass.  but what’s really fucked up is that httm keeps getting good reviews.  even aint it cool news [worst/most respected on the internet/still fucking terrible film blog] was quoted [in the commercial] as saying “run, don’t walk to see hot tub time machine.”  when i heard that, i totally forgot about whether or not httm was any good, and was focused only on the fact that people still say “run, don’t walk to see…”  fuck.  how?  FUCK!!  i am so pissed off about this.  seriously, please, somebody go pull the fucking plug on that fucking motherfuck shit ass movie blog fuck stain.  cunt.  ridiculous.

Klaus Kinski makes christian bale look like a fucking pussy.  (i busted out bold font.  that’s how serious i am.)  that dude was fucking great.  and by “great”, i mean “fucking bat shit crazy.”

today’s post brought to you by the word “fuck.”  filling in the gaps in your lexicon for over 100 years.  fuck.  you can’t fucking live without it.

reminder: spielberg is brilliant (and is pissing it all away) / we’re going to need a bigger boat

14 03 2010

[apparently, i wrote this a year and a half ago and never posted it.  as with everything i write, it seems retarded now when i reread it, but oh well.  i don’t exactly have standards, anyway.]

i am watching jaws.  RIGHT NOW.  and, just as i am every time i watch this movie, i’m blown away by how good it really is.  remember that scene when brody is at his kitchen table contemplating how fucked up of a situation he is in, and then his son is sitting there mimicking everything he is doing?  and then mr holland and his opus walk in and say, “is your husband home?  i would like to talk to him.” and mrs brody says, “so would i.”  ??? there are a million moments like that in this movie.  this is one of those movies where, no matter how many times you watch it, you can always find something new that is awesome.  it is undeniably a classic, and it is one of spielberg’s best.  not to mention his first real success as a director.  it proved that he was capable of tapping in to something very deep and basic about human people.  he showed his greatness with this film.  of course, his greatest talent has always been recognizing a great story, but with this film he showed that he was capable of something so much more difficult.

“mary ann lamoffet.  she broke my heart.”

also, while i’m here, i should mention that you should really watch The Taking of Pelham One Two Three [1974, not 2009 for fuck’s sake].  in addition to having Robert Shaw playing the lead bad guy, it has Walter Mathau giving his best performance EVR.  not to mention, Quentin Tarantino fucking loves stealing from this movie.  so there you go.  that’s my movie recommendation for the year.

[back to modern day reality, 2010.]  so just by coincidence, i just found this article about CGI and the dangers/stupidity of remaking classics, just because you can, and the scary as fuckballs idea of spielberg remaking Jaws.  the only thing worse than taking a classic film and inserting CGI effects, is trying to remake the film with shia lebouf.  both of which are things that spielberg fucking loves.

last second live blog

8 03 2010

the dead person thinkg is going on right now.  i hate james taylor.  apparently the guy from kung fu died.  they didn’t say how.  that’s weird.  michael jackson?  why?dude didn’t do shit.

i would still bone cindy crawford.

fuck j lo.  and why is that guy talking with an accent?  fuck that guy too.  ummm.  who are all these gay ass people and why can’t i fast forward?  OMG!  they are doing a Hurt Locker dance.  HAHHA.  this guy is doing the robot!  FUCKING AMAZING.  somebody fucking shoot me.  that’s it.  i’m pausing it, so i can fast forward through this bull shit.

george clooney is soo high.  up won.  dude is lost.  how can he be lost.  look for the ugly whore holding the gold statue.  walk there.  easy.

another douche with an accent, announcing the visual effects oscar.  if ANYONE other than avatar win, i will be so fucking happy.  even star trek…  fuck.  oh well. jesus christ!  james cameron’s wife is ugly.

the bad guy from hackers just won an oscar for killing dolphins.  oh man.  the oscar people are suck dicks.  they just cut away from the producer who held up a sign.  text “dolphin” to 44144 and one dolphin will be killed in your name.

tyler perry is on tv.  i can see why he is so popular.  NOT.  The Hurt Locker just won for editing.  someon just said sam raimi.  and whores.  i think.

this is sooo fucking boring.  i want t o go to bed.  i’m doing this for u.

[now 6pm the following day]  i apparently passed out right after typing that.  so what did i miss?  sandra bullock won something.  wtfc?  jeff bridges won for that movie that i didn’t see because it’s about country music and i am racist against country music.  The Hurt Locker beat the fuck out of avatar.  thank fuck.  (nothing against avatar.  i guess.  it’s just a joke to call it the best movie of the year.  not to mention, The Hurt Locker was awesome.  fucking awesome.)

and i guess that was it.  now lets just cross our fingers that they cancel next year’s oscars.

cognitively boned

2 03 2010

OMG!  i’m back again!  my fan is going to be soooo excited.

nbc is retarded.  did you know that jeff zucker, the megadouchetard who fired Conan O’Brien,  not only went to college with Conan, but actually had him arrested for pulling a prank when they were in school together?  (of course you already knew that, and this is all old news, but i wasn’t blogging during the clusterfucktastrophe that was Conan’s firing, so i still have some shit that i need to get off my chest.  (my muscular, glistening, orgasm inducing chest.))   anyway, that guy is cognitively impaired out the ass.  although, that should have been obvious after he gave jay “i have no fucking idea what’s funny anymore” leno the tonight show back.  luckily, Cone Bone is figuring out the internet, and twittering the shit out of it.  hurray for humanity.  [also, hurray for stern.]

i just found out that costco sells caskets.  i wish i had the balls to write a joke about Haiti, but unfortunately for me, my soul is still hanging on by a thread.  don’t worry though.  thanks to the guidance provided by NPR, i’ll be trading in my soul for gold chains and a Cadillac before you can say, “bitch, where’s my money.”

it’s funny how much your tastes and preferences can change as you get older.  for example, if you had told me ten years ago, that i would someday love spinach, i would not have believed you.  but i do.  or if you had told me that i would spend hours everyday watching dudes masturbate, live on webcams, i also would not have believed you.  and yet, i do.  although, i could not have foreseen chatroulette. it’s not that i like watching guys masturbate. [seriously!]  it’s just that, i know, deep down in my heart, that if i stick with it long enough, someday, i will get to see a, boob.  so far, dicks are beating boobs 47,396 to zero.  but i heard somewhere that the dick/boob ratio was around 50,000 to 1, so i’m almost there!  (i cannot wait to see that boob!!)

irony is still gay

22 02 2010

i guess i should explain where i’ve been all this time.  you see, like most people who use the internet as a substitute for normal human interaction, i went through a period of extreme depression.  my way of keeping myself busy so i wouldn’t hang myself was to write a blog.  however, i eventually started having consensual sex, which led to me cheering up and not needing the blog anymore.   although i’m no longer super suicidal,  i’ve been feeling like maybe i should give this thing a second shot.  the internet needs me.  i’m sure of it.  so here we go…

have you been watching The Life and Times of Tim?  why the fuck not!  jesus titty fucking christ!  are you fucking retarded?!  is sarah palin your mom?!1  eat shit and die, you waste of humanity!!!  …  ooook, so i may have overreacted.  but yeah, you should probably watch it.  it’s one of the best things on television.  seriously.  if you are already a fan (which you should be (but don’t get me going again)) you should check out this interview with the guy who does the stuff.  and if your name is twig, here is a good intro to one of the best animated shows in the fucking universe.

did you see Shutter Island?  i did.  let me first say that i think Scorsese is one of the greatest directors of all time.  i know that sounds cliche, but fuck you.  it’s true.  HOWEVER, that does not mean that every lump of shit he touches turns to gold.  this particular lump of shit turned kind of yellowish.  but definitely not gold.  i get the feeling that Scorsese never bothered to watch Fight Club.  you cannot have a movie about crazy people who see crazy shit, and expect the audience to just accept what you are telling them.  everyone is expecting a twist, so when the time comes, that twist better be fucking amazing.  the ending of shutter island was not only not fucking amazing, it was dull.  so dull that i’m bored of even talking about it.

have you been listening to Sleigh Bells?  fuck.  seriously, wtf have you been doing for the past year?  how is it possible you’ve lasted this long without me?  if you like music, and awesomeness, you will like Sleigh Bells.  i don’t think a proper recording of any of their songs actually exists right now, which means that, even through your $1000 stereo, it’s going to sound like you’re blasting laptop speakers.  which is kind of awesome in itself.  i think it may have been intentional.  and if it wasn’t, it should’ve been.

this concludes my return to the internet.  see you in 2011.  in the meantime, follow me on twitter.  @fuckedyourgrandpa

i wish i could quit you. fag.

23 01 2009

i think i accidentally made a blog post.  this is from a comment on http://www.fivethreedialtone.com www.eatthiscity.com.   i couldn’t just let it be.

you ever notice how some people use the comment section of other people’s blogs as if they were their own blog? super lame bryanmetro and jared. it’s called wordpress. google it.

also, the oscars are only good for two things… getting drunk and swearing at your television.

also, dark knight absolutely did not deserve the best picture nomination. but for that matter, neither did crash, return of the king, chicago, a beautiful mind, gladiator, shakespeare in love, titanic, the english patient, or braveheart.

also, am i the only one who didn’t fucking love that button movie? i mean, it was good, but 13 nominations? seriously? i would have liked it better if they had released it under it’s original title, “forrest gump 2.” [boo yah!]

and why wasn’t rambo nominated for anything? isn’t there a category for best film depiction of the murder of a child? because rambo would’ve gotten double nominated for that shit. how many movies show a baby being ripped out of his mother’s arms and thrown in a fire, just for the hell of it? fuck dark knight. fucking rambo should have gotten a best picture nom.

this party is just getting started

7 08 2008

the average walking speed for a human person is 2.8 to 3.4 miles per hour.

the terminator movies were prophetic prophecies from prophets.

pizza is delicious.

generally, human people blink every 2-10 seconds.

rainbows are dangerous.