fuck a duck

here’s the deal. with this baby on the way, i got a shit ton of things to do. so don’t expect me to be updating much for the rest of the year. but keep checking BITA. everyday. at least twice a day.

have i mentioned lately how much i love japanese people? 1 2 3 4 5 6 … i fucking love those crazy bastards. children’s television is really going apeshit. if i had seen that when i was a little kid, i probably would’ve shat my pants. but at least i’d know how to count to six.

iphone owner gets pwned!!1!!1!11!!!oen!!!11!

Sienna Miller will play Baroness in the upcoming GI Joe movie. now i’m about a billion times more likely to see the fucking GI Joe movie. (although, i’m told that any number multiplied by zero is still zero.)

i just recently discovered the magic of podcasts. people are always telling me i’m “on the cutting edge” and i see no reason to disagree. if you like movies, and you have a long drive to work, and you are scared of signing up for an itunes account, and you are in to bestiality, and you like movies, check out Creative Screenwriting Magazine’s blog. you can download all of their podcasts from the past year as MP3s, so all of you ipodophobes can play them on your giant, gas powered mp3 players.

christmas came early for lonely guys who masturbate a lot. (did you catch the pun?) Jessica Alba’s top 5 sexiest moments.

i went to see No Country for Old Men this past weekend. it was really fucking good. really good, but still able to piss off most people who see it. i’ll save you any potential let down; do not expect a big climactic ending. that’s as much as i’ll give away. the sound and cinematography were fucking sick. the sound was especially good. like, almost as good as The Conversation. also, i’ve never seen an “action” movie with so much depth to the story. i’ve only had the chance to see it once, but i want to watch it about five more times just to let everything digest. also, Javier Bardem is the ultimate bad ass.

fat kid avoids ridicule. the onion always finds those feel good stories that remind you of the irrepressible human spirit. or something.

i JUST found out that Zooey Deschanel is signed on to play Janis Joplin in the new biopic Gospel According to Janis. although i generally think Zooey Deschanel playing anyone in anything is the greatest idea ever, i have a problem with Janis Joplin being played by one of the most attractive women EVER. (i may have a bit of a crush.) the problem is, one of the things that played into Janis’s insecurity and self destruction was her feeling that she was butt fucking ugly. (her words, not mine.) i realize that hollywood has a fucking terrible time trying to cast unattractive women, but this is way the fuck out there. BONUS: there will be a NUDE SCENE. i already have a boner.

so fucked

holy crap.  i just got “mentioned!”  now it’s only a matter of time before this blog gets me laid.  i should start updating more regularly, before the hoes start to lose interest.  unfortunately, with this baby on the way, it’s not going to be easy.

i went to see Beowulf in 3D at an IMAX this weekend.  it was pretty cool.  the last 3D IMAX movie i saw was superman returns, and it sucked.  supe really only utilized the 3D in a few scenes, where as Beowulf was rockin the 3D hardcore in every friggin scene.  Crispin Glover’s character Grendel was pretty cool too.  lots of “in your face” grossness.  and i can’t not mention Angelina Jolie’s gigantic naked mud covered cartoon boobs and vagina.

i finished watching the first season of Californication last night.  although the BPE (boobs per episode) dropped off considerably after the third episode, it remained THOROUGHLY entertaining til the end.  although the ending of the season was surprising.  and not necessarily in a good way.  i fucking love that show though. it’s not as high brow as The Sopranos, but wtf is?  (if my junior high english teacher ever read this paragraph, she would most likely beat me.  and then probably rape me.  while beating me some more. (i’m still scared of mrs. pounds.))

fuck me sideways.  i’m sure you’ve seen the shittier than shit trailer for Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story.  not even Jack White could get me to see that movie after watching that POS trailer. but then (thank fucking christ for the europeans) they released the UNRATED TRAILER.  i don’t like building up comedies, (or anything else for that matter) but do not make up your mind about seeing this movie until you watched the REAL TRAILER.

the writer’s strike continues.  some british dude from the daily show explains what’s up.

i know this has been the topic of many a comedian (couldn’t find the right clip. fuck me.), but i went to the mall this weekend to buy some pants, and i was fucking shocked to hear alvin and the chipmunks singing “christmas don’t be late.”  WTF?  in case i mixed advil and alcohol and blacked out again, i do not fucking remember thanksgiving happening.  so why the fuck did santa fucking claus just grab my ass?  santa does not make unwanted sexual advances preturkeyfuckingday.  don’t get me wrong.  i like christmas.  i tend to be filled with the christmas spirit every year.  for example, i am far less likely to mercilessly beat a homeless man with a hammer after hearing “a wonderful christmas time.”  but doesn’t anyone else feel like, maybe, corporate america is ripping the baby jesus fetus out of the womb about a month early?  i like the baby jesus.  i just don’t want to see his ass before he’s ripe.

asdf

i’m not that into sports. i tend to be more interested in the uniforms.

i do not like shia labeouf. i am not happy that he is playing Indiana Jones‘ son in Crystal Skull. i guess i’m not alone.

djew ever see sylvester stallone’s porno, Italian Stallion? (serious.) it’s showing RIGHT NOW, at the Music Box in chicago. if you live there, you should not pass up the opportunity to see sly stallone’s itallian sausage. (weak.) or the anal sex scene that i’ve heard so much about. (lie.)

it’s Martin Scorsese‘ birthday. it’s also RuPaul’s birthday. woo hoo. what else is there to say?

best news evar!!!

i’m preggers!!! yay for me.

i gave away all of the today’s best links to fellow (more committed) bloggers. here are the left overs.

this is proof that most people need to pull their heads out of their asses and stop judging people they don’t know shit about. “surfer dude discovers holy grail of physics.” (also, if you use the term “surfer dude” you are automatically a douche bag.)

please, fucking god, somebody buy this for me.

i’m about to admit something to you (readers of my blog whom i feel so very close to), that i have never revealed to anyone, ever (while sober). every time i watch Rocky 1, i tear up a little at the end. don’t bother calling me a fag, cause i know most of you do it too. so out of the 22 screenplays he’s written, stallone nailed at least one. but holy fucking shit, what is this? writing and directing a biopic about edgar allan poe??? all those goth kids must be rolling over in their coffin shaped beds. is it possible that we are all underestimating the man who brought us such classics as Over the Top and Rhinestone?  nevermore.  (shameless, i am.)

not cool

i just started watching David Duchovny’s new show, Californication.  (it’s not really new, but i never had showtime, so fuck me.)  it’s pretty good so far.  i’ve only seen the first two episodes and i’ve already seen about 37 boobs.  it’s kind of like entourage, except rather than being about an actor and his friends, it’s about fox mulder banging every girl in LA.  hurray boobs.

i saw american gangster this weekend.  the ending was kind of weak, but for the most part it was pretty good. denzel is cool. russel crow is tolerable. other than the ending, the only thing that bothered me was how hard the movie was trying to relate to the modern world.  at the beginning of the movie this guy goes off about how all these companies like toshiba and sony are taking all the jobs from the americans and moving them to china.  keep in mind, the movie was set in the late 60’s.  WTF was Ridley Scott trying to pull?  i would be getting really pissed off right now, if i had more energy.  but fuck it.

remember when i said Righteous Kill was going to be good?  NEVERFUCKINGMIND.  i just watched the trailer.  apparently, they decided against making another kick ass crime drama à la Heat, and instead made an 80’s cop drama parody à la Loaded Weapon 1.  seriously, watch the first 7 seconds of the trailer and try not to pee your pants laughing (or crying).

if you have any questions about the writers’ strike, John August is here with the answers.

do you ever think about how if michael jackson would have died in 1988, everyone (especially michael jackson) would have been much better off?  i feel the same way about weezer.  rivers cuomo may not have ever fondled a little boy’s tig and berries, but i think his last album deserves an equally harsh punishment.  btw, weezer is releasing a new album.

i’m excited about heath ledger playing the joker in the upcoming batman movie.  jack nicholson is not.  how the fuck does mtv always get the best interviews?  it’s just like carson fucking daly.  he ALWAYS gets the best guests.  and his show is on at, like, four in the morning.  my theory is that all celebrities are insecure, so being interviewed by someone who is more intelligent than them is a terrifying idea.  but being interviewed by carson daly is like being in a fight to the death with a baby koala bear.

go vs. rules

i’m phoning it in, again. the following is from an email i wrote last summer after drinking too much wine.

crazy awesome to the maXXX

the opening scene of the last james bond movie featured something that has become known as urban gymnastics. remember free style walking? it’s a little like that, except rather than being the lamest fucking thing ever, it is insanely fucking sweet. videos of this shit have been floating around the internet for the past few years, but contrary to popular belief, urban gymnastics did not get it’s major film debut with james fucking bond. the first appearance of this new physical art form (?) was in the french film District B13, which was probably the most crazy awesome action film in recent history. not to mention, the most copied. and it’s french for fuck’s sake. apparently there is one hetero dude left in all of parisland. and he’s fucking so many bitches that all he can do, when it comes to making a film, is to jizz in his audiences face with the most potent action anyone has ever seen. just check out THIS CHASE SCENE from B13. yeah, i know jackie chan has been doing shit like this for a long time, but that one 3 minute scene was cooler than everything jackie chan has ever done in every one of his movies. ever.

s&m for kidz

did you ever watch the X-Files? remember why the Cigarette Smoking Man said they shouldn’t kill Mulder? “kill the man, and you risk starting a crusade.” it was just some bullshit that the writers had to come up with in order to explain the most obvious problem with that show (other than, why don’t they just have him fired from the FBI so he can’t flash that badge around while he’s investigating aliens and shit). fortunately, the RIAA never watched the X-Files. and now they have to deal with TEH CRUSADE.

the only reason i’m posting this is because they managed to work in an Evil Dead reference and a Scanners reference. (but where the fuck was the Idle Hands reference? (i <3 alba.))

jon stewart continues to be the coolest little dude on tv. (he is very short.)

i used to live minutes from the best independently owned video store ever. EVER. i would go there a few times a week and i always found something new, no matter how many times i went. if not for that store, i probably never would have heard of some of my now favorite movies. i loved it, and i miss it. now, the only video store within driving distance of me is blockbuster videofuck. blockbuster is a cancer that has been killing the video rental industry for the past 20 years. it has driven countless independently owned video stores out of business over the years, and replaced them with the kind of culture starved, cookie cutter bullshit that has sapped the intellectual strength from our society. but have no fear, netflix has finally slayed the wicked beast. it appears that blockbuster is going down, which will finally open the door to new indie video stores who can fill the void. (to quote my itallian friend, “it’s small, but it fills the gap.”) hopefully, this will lead to a whole new generation who actually know who the fuck Richard Edson is.

throw away

someone made a batman vs predator short film.  and it’s not bad.

this guy hates the impending gi joe movie, but for all the wrong reasons.  did you hear george clooney is going to play duke?  (not joking.)

added some videos to BITA.  chekmout