at least one of u isn’t a lazy ass

i’m posting this video in honor of the late, great robert goulet. he will be missed. (by someone. i guess.)

i bet if you asked the people who know me best, what i think about religion, they wouldn’t have the slightest idea, or they’d be way the fuck off. i don’t talk about it much. and all i am going to say about it now is that until 10 minutes ago, i really did believe in something. but after reading this, i am convinced that not only is there not a god, but that human beings are nothing more than apes with above average intelligence, and that life is completely fucking meaningless.

so anyway. have you heard about the marketing campaign for The Dark Knight? it’s fucking nuts. this is like, Trent Reznor nuts. check this out, motherfucker.

danger. danger. high voltage.

“they” just released the trailer for Wanted, and holy crap. it looks slick as fuck. like a crazy awesome action movie. it stars Angelina Jolie, Morgan Freeman, and one of my favorite up and coming (insert semen related joke here) actors James McAvoy. it has the potential to be fucking awesome, but in reality, that only means it has about a 23% chance of not sucking. (i did not bullshit that number. i have a formula. a secret formula.)

happy halloween. bitches.

the only day i don’t wear a costume is halloween

ninja parade.

trent and saul.

kevin smith.

top 25 horror films.

advertisements.

wood allen.

Evil Dead 2.

i’m lazy on strike.

worldfuck

don’t forget, kids. the writers guild strike is coming. like, in the next two hours. so kiss your tv and movies goodbye, and strap in for a long, boring existence watching poorly produced internet bullshit.

wired had a great article today about the resurgence of vinyl and the idiocy of the music industry. yeah, i know it’s not new news. but at least it’s fucking interesting.

maddox, if you didn’t know already, is some guy with a website who is raping the internet for all it’s worth. here are his opinions on women’s fashion.

in the spirit of hallofuckingween, here’s a list of 5 reasons zombies could really exist. which reminds me. have you all been watching the Evil Dead movies like i told you to [you lazy motherfuckers]?

the tragic death of a political leader whom you never had a problem with IS NOT FUNNY. unless he was killed by monkeys.

lately, the internet (btw, i will no longer be using clever euphemisms for the internet. the joke is fucking old and i will no longer participate in this pop culture bullshit.) has been buzzing about all the fucking superhero movies that are coming as a result of the JLA movie. (i am intentionally not linking to anything.) as a kid who grew up on comic books, i have this opinion: if you are going to make a movie about the heroes of my childhood, at fucking least try to do a half assed job. i had a spiderman the movie poster hanging in my room a year before the fucking movie came out. spiderman was my favorite comic, and the idea of a spiderman movie had given me a boner since before i knew i had a penis. and then it came out, and i watched it, and i enjoyed it, and i went on with my life. meanwhile, hollywood went fucking ape shit for comic book movies, which was inevitable with new cgi technology. the problem was, as with any big hollywood trend, quality took a backseat to churning out the worst shit imaginable because the studios knew that nerds like me would go see it NO MATTER WHAT. so here we are in the aftermath of spiderman. there are some potentially great comic book movies coming out (Iron Man and The Dark Knight), but there are also fucking countless potentially terrible comic book movies on the horizon. i just wish someone would fucking stop those assholes from raping my fucking childhood.

Malcom X once said that people swear because they lack the knowledge to communicate properly (i may be paraphrasing), and i think that is god damn spot on. i swear because i cannot fucking express myself fully otherwise. fuck is the single most versatile word in the english language, and therefore a crutch to people like me who do not possess the lexicon to properly communicate our thoughts and feelings. i fucking hate it, but it’s a fucking fact of life. i am a fucking fuck addict. (not to say that i am addicted to sexual intercourse. i would have to find someone to have sex with before that could be true.) i am simply saying, fuck is my heroine. and i am kurt fucking cobain. [i'm also not very fucking funny.]

re lapse

yeah, i am inconsistent. but i’d rather have a few really good entries than a lot of shitty ones. quality over quantity. unfortunately, i’m lacking on both of those.

Owen Wilson just made his first public appearance since attempting suicide a while back. he appeared on this poorly produced myspace show with Wes Anderson. guess what topic they did not discuss.

julia roberts turned 40 today.  does that seem weird to anyone else?  i thought she was at least 60 years old by now.  in fact, i’m kind of surprised that she’s still alive.  the last time i saw her in something, she looked like she was on the verge of death.

so i saw a bunch of movies in the past week, and i’ve been trying to write something about each one, but i am too busy watching youtube. so instead, i’m going to just give each movie a rating on a scale of 1 to 10, because that’s what all the best blogs do.

gone baby gone 7.63
the assassination of jesse james by the coward robert ford 6.92
in the soup 8.17
into the wild 8.34
stranger than paradise 7.18
lonesome jim 6.41
lars and the real girl 7.43
the darjeeling limited 8.45

federal [pound me in the ass] prison

supposedly, Bruce Campbell’s new/old movie My Name Is Bruce is finally getting released on dvd in the fall of 2007. correct me if i’m wrong, but doesn’t that mean that it either already came out, or it’s coming out in the next two months? this is either good news, or just another cock tease. i guess we’ll see soon enough. (if anyone has it on their computer, i’ll pay good money/sex for a copy.)

i just used this picture in the description of a video on the BITA page, but i had to post it again here on the MAIN PAGE. i (like most people who don’t rape babies) do not like the band creed. there was a time when it was fun to laugh at all the stupid shit they would do. but after a while, it got old and i stopped caring. but tonight, i came across this picture, and all the joy of laughing at creed came rushing back. if you’re too lazy to click on the link, just imagine four guys who think they are Jesus, posing shirtless, and possibly pantless, and looking VERY sexy. (there’s nothing i love more than a sexy jesus.)

fucking internet. they took something that’s annoying in real life, and made it virtually annoying. this is exactly why certain people (college students majoring in computer science) need to use lubricant when they masturbate. if you flog a dry dolphin long enough, eventually you have to stop and do something else for a while. and those fuckers have nothing of value to contribute to the world.

did you hear about OiNK? apparently the cleveland police dept. went to amsterdam and arrested some british dude who was running the best music sharing torrent site on the www. which is fine with me. the only thing i hate more than music is rich people not getting richer. god bless the RIAA and the cleveland pd.

interboned

internet trends are fun. and by fun, i mean fucking annoying. but this one continues to entertaining me.

i was debating posting a link to this article, the ten best sci-fi movies that were never made, or just blatantly stealing from it. apparently, my blogger ethics kicked in. either that, or i’m too lazy to even steal. just read the article. and pretend that i wrote the shit about star wars.

it appears puddlegum has cracked the radiohead mystery.  i can finally sleep at night.

i have a homework assignment for you.  i’m bringing back lolcatz for halloween.  (i know what i just said about internet trends, but lolcatz is more than just an internet trend.  it’s a cultural phenomenon.)  your assignment: add funny captions using bad spelling to these pictures.  i spent a lot of time dressing up those cats.  the least you could do is write a “im in ur ____, ____ing ur ____.”

weakend aggression

although, Francis Ford Coppola is occasionally an obnoxious prick, from time to time he seems like the coolest guy in hollywood. in an upcoming article in GQ, he apparently bashes De Niro, Pacino, and Nicholson. i can’t think of anyone else who could get away with criticizing three of the greatest film actors of all time. here’s the article about it that you’ve already seen thirty times today.

and speaking of Robert De Niro and Al Pacino, i just heard (3 months ago) about their new movie Righteous Kill. yes, you read that correctly. De Niro and Pacino are starring in a movie together for the third time, and unlike Heat where they only shared one scene together, they will be side by side for the entire movie. i realize that Coppola’s recent comments kind of take the piss out of this news, but still. it’s fucking ROBERT DE NIRO and fucking AL PACINO. the whole movie could be the two of them sitting around watching Bewitched, and it would still be good. the movie is about two “veteran” (old) new york city detectives looking for a vigilante who’s out killing bad guys. the supporting cast is pretty aweful, and the only noteworthy thing the director has ever done was fried green tomatoes, but still, it’s fucking De Niro and Pacino.

have you ever wondered what it would be like to have sex with Christian Bale? me either. but this writer for the AV Club has thought about it a lot. she breaks down what it would be like to fuck each of Bales’ characters. not that i ever thought about it before. cause i didn’t. seriously.

earlier today i read some article about some shitty superhero movie that will remain nameless, and they were talking about the actresses that have auditioned to play wonder woman. it was during reading the article that i realized… i am in love with Shannyn Sossamon. she is painfully pretty. and by that i mean that when i look at her, my whole body fucking aches, and not just because all the blood in my body is rushing to my penis. but even more than her sickening hotness, it is her ability to creep me out. in a hot way. she fucking scares me. i think if i ever met her, i would be completely fucking horrified. and not in a “oh my god, it’s a hot movie star” kind of way, but a “oh my god, i’m inches from death” kind of way. there is something infinitely mysterious and terrifying about her. and i like it. (see. i told you i’m not gay.)

it’s not always about U

i’ve been trying the past few nights to post something, but i cannot fucking stand my own writing, right now. i always get a few sentences into a post before abandoning it like a prom night dumpster baby. the problem is not a lack of subject matter. in the past few nights, i’ve watched two awesome indie films. not to mention all the random shit i’ve come across on the internet that would normally result in me writing an endless amount of bullshit. oh well. at least i’m writing something now. i guess.

although i wasn’t able to write anything, i was able to finally do something with that one page that had the cumming joke. i’m still not sure if i was better off just leaving the cumming joke. it’s up there at the top. i already forgot what it’s called. i’m sure you’ll figure it out.

this isn’t much of an entry, but fuck it. i am not ur dancing monkey.

you gotta have something to keep you going

u ever see the movie Crash? no, not the sandra bullock movie about racial tension in los angeles. i’m talking about the David Cronenberg film from the 90s starring james spader. the one about people who get sexually aroused by car crashes. i was just watching this video, and it made me think about that movie. you should watch it. especially if you want a detailed description of what semen tastes like. (apparently, some semen is saltier than others.)

so anyway. i saw some movies this weekend. because what else am i going to do? first was We Own The Night. it’s about a guy, and his brother and dad are cops, and he runs a club, and then shit happens. and you see eva mendes’s nipple. it was exactly as good as the trailer made it look. i can’t think of anything else to say about it. just watch the trailer. trailer >>>

the next movie was Michael Clayton. george clooney plays a lawyer. some guy goes nuts. shit happens. it was much better than the crappy trailer makes it look. and george clooney was really good. trailer >>>

after that was The Hunting Party. holy fucking shit. i was really excited about this movie. unlike MC, this one looked fucking sweet in the trailer. and it turned out to be a flaming piece of shit floating on a river of vomit, through a world of decaying anuses. so it wasn’t very good. i feel like richard gere forgot how to act. the screen writer really fucked up as well. but it was such an awesome premise. he must have worked really hard to shit on it as hard as he did. he was probably too busy working on ugly betty. not to mention the over use of deus ex machinas. (google it yourself. i’m too busy feeling superior to you to bother adding a link.) trailer >>>

and finally, i saw Resurrecting the Champ. a reporter meets a homeless guy who used to be a professional boxer and writes a story about him. you know why i like this movie? (why do i keep asking rhetorical questions?) i liked it because it reminded me that Samuel L Jackson is one of the most underrated actors working today. a lot of people underestimate his ability as an actor because he takes every shitty movie that he is offered. but in this movie, he was awesome. he more than made up for josh hartnett being josh hartnett. trailer >>>

also, djew ever see that episode of south park where stan has to coach a hockey team, and they kept making the joke about movie trailers doing really stupid voice overs? you know why that’s funny? (last rhetorical question. i fucking swear to god.) it’s funny, because it’s true. movie trailers always fucking do that and it’s always fucking annoying. if you can’t put together a two minute trailer that communicates what the movie is about, without using a fucking voice over, then you are a fucking ass hole who should not be making movie trailers. it would be like me going into a hospital and trying help someone dying of gangrene. i might know how to use a saw, but i’m no fucking doctor, so i shouldn’t be trying to help people whose limbs smell like cheese.

dark side of the boob

you know what’s crazy? fucking japanese people (not literally). those fuckers are CRAZY. seriously. wtf is with those guys?

you know what’s even crazier? Julie Taymor, the director of Across the Universe, is making Spiderman: The Musical. seriously. and what is even more fucked up is, bono and the fucking edge wrote the music for it. jtfc. wtf is wrong with the world?

rambo 4 just got a new title, Rambo to Hell and Back. as we like to say around the office, “when you’re pushed, killin’s as easy as breathin.”

a lot of nerds are freakin out about this new pic of Iapetus, saturn’s third largest moon. they claim that they love this picture because of the mysterious discolouring, but u and i both know the real attraction. (IT’S A GIANT FUCKING BOOB!)  and while we’re on the subject, check out this picture of a proposal for teraforming mars.  tell me that’s NOT a giant penis in the sky.  these fucking space nerds are out of control.  are we really expected to believe that that couple is not 10 seconds away from banging, after staring at that arousing atmosphere forming satellite of love?  you space nerds need to stop jizzing on our science.  seriously.

sad but true

yes.  i realize how old this is.  but i worked 13 hours today, so you can all GFYS.  enjoy the video.

when you have nothing left to burn…

so yesterday, a bunch of blogs reported that warner bros. president, Some Penis, said that he would no longer even consider making a movie with a female lead. (i would’ve made an entry about it, but as i’ve said before, i fucking hate blogging, and i fucking hate you too.) but then, wb said that the story was bullshit. which was followed with more blog entries! if you ask me, Some Penis was right. the only thing women are good for in movies is nude scenes.

Kerouac, Hemingway, Heller, and Ellis are all going to have to wait, cause the next book i’m reading is going to be Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist. why? because i heart Michael Cera. and because it sounds really fucking good. (i’m a sucker for love stories involving socially impaired young men. (i’m a fag.))

yes, it is true that 90% of the shit that i post here is just a regurgitation of a /film post. but i’m fucking lazy, so fuck you. i’ve been avoiding mentioning the new Indiana Jones movie, but the truth is, i’m really fucking excited about it. so i think this is pretty effing cool. believe it or not, i was not invited. fuck me.

more ironic than u

UPDATE: i thought of a title!  and what a title it is.

there is FINALLY a trailer for the new Futurama movie. watching it made me feel like i was in college again. except with more money. and less happiness.

i heart Metric. way to go jasper for ripping and posting this.

i also heart Zooey Deschanel, which is the only reason i can think of to watch her new wizard of oz remake, Tin Man. good luck just getting through the preview.

break dancing + children = awesome and hilarious. something tells me i shouldn’t be having kids of my own, anytime soon.

fuck art. let’s dance.

spiders on drugs is SO old.  and yet SO FUCKING great.  if you like nature, and spiders, and drugs, and nature documentaries about spiders on drugs….. this fucking video is right up your fucking alley.  fucekr.

the new batman movie is going to kick ass.  trust michael caine.

i bet you didn’t know this, but i love watching kids hurt themselves.  [you should watch that video with the sound off.  trust me.]

it’s all gonna break

the Pas/Cal christmas show in 2003 was probably the best night of my life. so this makes me sad.

but here’s a little bit of awesomeness to turn that frown fucking upside down. Jon Stewart is producing Demetri Martin’s new show. martin is one of my favorite stand up comedians, and who doesn’t like the daily show (other than conservatives/fags and humorless assholes)?

i don’t know why i’m posting this, but i am. some guy put together a list of a bunch of different kinds of pop that have been discontinued, or as he put it, a tribute to soft drinks no longer with us. fuck knows why i thought that was interesting. although, i did drink the shit out of surge when i was in high school.

how to make pancakes like a crackhead.

some asshole actually spent a lot of time writing these 21 tips for being a great blogger. this list represents everything that is wrong with the world. all i want to do is stroke my ego by watching how many hits i get each day, but i don’t need some stupid fucking list to get my numbers and my ego to grow. if you want to know my secret, ride the bump, fellow blog whores.

holy cow

if you didn’t know this already, Richard Linklater is the shit. THE SHIT. i’ll save you from having to imdb him. Tape, A Scanner Darkly, SubUrbia, Slacker, Dazed and Confused, and fucking Waking Life. (btw, if you have not seen Waking Life, please leave my fucking internet. ur not welcome here.) so anyway, i just heard about his new/old project Boyhood. and holy shit. that’s fucking nuts. wait, you don’t know what i’m talking about because you didn’t click on the link. lazy fucks. Boyhood is about a kid growing up being raised by his divorced parents, beginning when he is about 6 and ending around the time he graduates highschool. but here’s the kicker, you incredulous ass holes, the movie is being shot over 12 years as the main character actually grows up! filming began in 2001 and will be completed in 2013. i am fairly certain this has NEVER been done outside of a documentary. unfortunately, the best article i could find about this was on fucking mtv’s website (if they said kubrik one more time, i would’ve fucking hit myself in the balls just to relieve the pain). i just found out about this, so i’m still processing how fucking crazy this idea is. i’ll let you know if i think of anything interesting to say about it. (don’t hold your breath.)

i been around

the onion’s AV Club put together a list of 24 films that will make you want to kill yourself. and it’s actually a pretty good list. just reading it has already made me depressed. but i’m not the sunniest of people, on a good day.

and because i can’t get enough information in list form, here’s another one that is also worth a shit, 31 movies to prepare for halloween, or something. although it’s pretty good, i don’t understand how only ONE Evil Dead movie made it on there. every october, everyone should be required to watch each Evil Dead movie AT LEAST twice. cause i do.

can you read? no? ur n luck. wired interviewed ridley scott about Blade Runner: The Final Cut, and they posted the friggin audio. i’m listening to it RIGHT NOW. it’s great. kind of. not really. if you like Blade Runner, A LOT, then you should be all over this. or if you like it just enough to want to know if Harrison Ford dreams of electric sheep (i’m cool because i get that reference… that i just made), now’s ur chance.