i no longer browse the internet with a purpose. i sit down at my computer, i open my web browser, and i just start to drift through the randomness of an ungodly amount of information, inevitably ending up at a porn site.
this is some crazy shit. they’re like, the fucking jedi masters of beer pong. or something.
rock, paper, scissors is for fucking kids (not literally). welcome to the 21st century, bitches.
the funniest joke in the world. you have to love monty python. or else.
i don’t understand how certain things end up on wikipedia. like this list of unusual deaths, for example. just a warning, i started reading this list thinking it sounded funny/interesting. although there are a few entertaining incidents, after reading the whole list and reading the accompanying stories for a few, i am now severely depressed. ride the bump to feel my pain.
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1899: French president Félix Faure died of a stroke while receiving oral sex in his office.
1911: Jack Daniel, founder of the Tennessee whiskey distillery, died of blood poisoning six years after receiving a toe injury when he kicked his safe in anger at being unable to remember its combination.
1916: Grigori Rasputin, Russian mystic, was poisoned while dining with a political enemy, and supposedly he was given enough poison to kill three men his size. When he did not die, one assassin snuck up behind him and shot him in the head, and while checking Grigori’s pulse the mystic grabbed him by the neck and strangled him. He proceeded to run away, while the other assassins chased. They caught up to him after he was finally felled by three shots during the chase. The pursuers bludgeoned him, then threw him into a frozen river. When his body washed ashore, an autopsy showed the cause of death to be drowning.
1974: Christine Chubbuck, an American television news reporter, committed suicide during a live broadcast on July 15. At 9:38 AM, 8 minutes into her talk show, on WXLT-TV in Sarasota, Florida, she drew out a revolver and shot herself in the head.
1981: A 25-year-old Dutch woman studying in Paris, Renée Hartevelt, was killed and eaten by a classmate, Issei Sagawa, when he invited her to dinner for a literary conversation. The killer was declared unfit to stand trial and extradited back to Japan, where he was released from custody within fifteen months.
1987: R. Budd Dwyer, a Republican politician, committed suicide during a televised press conference. Facing a potential 55-year jail sentence for alleged involvement in a conspiracy, Dwyer shot himself in the mouth with a revolver.
1993: Brandon Lee, son of Bruce Lee, was shot and killed by a prop .44 Magnum gun while filming the movie The Crow. A cartridge with only a primer and a bullet was fired in the pistol prior to the scene Brandon was in; this caused a squib load, in which the primer provided enough force to push the bullet out of the cartridge and into the barrel of the revolver, where it became stuck. The malfunction went unnoticed by the crew, and the same gun was used again later to shoot the death scene, having been re-loaded with blanks. However, the squib load was still lodged in the barrel, and was propelled by the blank cartridge’s explosion out of the barrel and into Lee’s body. Although the bullet was traveling much slower than a normally fired bullet would be, the bullet’s large size and the nearly point-blank firing distance made it powerful enough to severely wound Lee. It was not instantly recognized by the crew or other actors; they believed he was still acting.
1993: Garry Hoy, a Toronto lawyer, fell to his death after he threw himself through the glass wall on the 24th floor of the Toronto-Dominion Centre in order to prove the glass was “unbreakable” to impress some interns.
1996: Sharon Lopatka, an internet entrepreneur from Maryland who allegedly solicited a man via the Internet to torture and kill her for the purpose of sexual gratification. Her killer, Robert Fredrick Glass, was convicted of voluntary manslaughter for the homicide.
1997: Daniel Jones, a 21-year-old from Woodbridge, Virginia died when the 8-foot-deep hole he dug at a beach in Buxton, North Carolina, collapsed on him, burying him under five feet of sand. (people who know me, know why this is funny/scary.)
1998: Daniel V. Jones was a former hotel maintenance worker in Long Beach, California who shot himself through the chin on the Los Angeles expressway on live television. His suicide was apparently caused by his resentment against his HMO for inadequately treating him when he was diagnosed with cancer and HIV.
2001: Bernd-Jürgen Brandes was stabbed repeatedly in the neck and then eaten by Armin Meiwes. Before the killing, both men dined on Brandes’ severed penis. Brandes had answered an internet advertisement by Meiwes looking for someone for this purpose. Brandes explicitly stated in his will that he wished to be killed and eaten. This is referred to in the song “Mein Teil” (“My Part”) by German NDH band Rammstein.
2005: 28-year-old South Korean, Lee Seung Seop, collapsed of fatigue and died after playing Starcraft for almost 50 consecutive hours in an Internet cafe.
2006: Ohtaj Humbat ohli Makhmudov, a 45 year old Azerbaijani man, lowered himself by a rope into a lion enclosure at the Kyiv zoo, and shouted to horrified zoo visitors, “God will save me, if he exists!” Moments later a lioness pounced on him, severing his carotid artery and killing him instantly.
2007: Jennifer Strange, a 28-year-old single mother from Sacramento, died of water intoxication while trying to win a Wii console for her kids in a KDND 107.9 “The End” radio station’s “Hold Your Wee for a Wii” contest, which involved drinking large quantities of water without urinating. She placed second in the contest. Her children still do not have a Wii.
2007: An Australian woman was killed after her pet camel attempted to have sex with her.
