life, explained

first, i have to get this out of the way. i heart tegan and sara. i just downloaded their new album, the con, and i’m fucking hooked. i’m barely equipped to communicate with other people, much less describe my thoughts about music, but i’ll try anyway because what else do you have to do right now? this album is the kind that tugs at my emotions while making me constantly want to turn it up until my ears bleed. nineteen is easily my favorite track. their show in november is already fucking sold out. motherfuck me. so anyway…

i saw two movies tonight. the first was Eastern Promises, David Cronenberg’s new film. it was really pretty good. it was even more violent than big dave’s last film, A History of Violence, and that had “violence” right in the title for fuck’s sake. the bathhouse scene was especially shocking. imagine aragorn… naked… in a knife fight. the old woman sitting next to me summed it up perfectly when she yelled, “JIMINY CHRISTMAS.” the only down side was the baby. i am so sick of fucking babies (not literally). and yes, i will continue to milk that joke until i have (literally) milked it dry.

the other movie i saw tonight was Across the Universe, a musical made up entirely of Beatles’ songs. it was good, but i am sure that most people with more artistic sensibilities will be turned off by Julie Taymor’s attempts at being “artistic.” (after rereading that last sentence, i feel like an asshole. but i’m leaving it. cause it’s 3am, and i’m too tired to think of something better to say.) before it’s release, taymor and producer, joe roth, had a major disagreement which led to roth recutting the film and conducting screenings without taymor’s knowledge, which led to taymor threatening to take her name off the film, and also delayed the release by an entire year. i’m not sure whose cut i saw tonight, but when the credits rolled, it clearly said “a julie taymor film”, so take that for what it’s worth. although the film had it’s weak points, it had a certain affect on me. it reminded me of something that i had forgotten about myself, and about people in general. that was way too personal of a statement for ANYONE to really understand. but again, i’m too tired to even delete.

and speaking of The Beatles, it was recently announced that Martin Scorsese will direct a documentary about my favorite Beatle, George Harrison. (i just wrote so much shit about The Beatles that i needed a bump. RIDE IT, BITCHES.)

how to survive working in an office

my job can be unfuckingbearable sometimes. most of the time, in fact. actually, it sucks pretty much all the time. i get about 15-20 minutes a day where i don’t want to either kill myself, or kill someone else. this isn’t because i have a shitty job so much as it is because i am incapable of dealing with the unrelenting bullshit of working in an office. it’s a little like the movie Office Space, but it’s not funny, and i have yet to meet jennifer aniston working at any of the places i eat lunch. so i just found an illustrated guide to surviving life in an office. ride the bump, only if necessary.

lapse

i hate the internet. i hate blogging. i hate people. i hate doing stuff. i hate everything. that’s why i haven’t made an entry in a while.

if you’re like me, you don’t have anything on your computer worth backing up. some shitty papers you wrote in college, some pictures of people you don’t talk to anymore, a two year old resume, and a few [hundred] porn videos. however, if you’re Francis Ford Coppola, you most definitely have some shit worth saving. unfortunately, no one told Coppola that backing up to an external hard drive, which sits next to your computer, does not help when you get robbed. i’m sure that script for Tetro wasn’t that good anyway.

tracking shots are sweet, so PVC-1 has to be good. right?

crazy people should not be allowed to be rich. there’s fucking starving kids in africa, or something, and that douche bag is spending $10 million on an alien proof bunker. i fucking hate that guy.

awesomeness overload

according to some guys who know a lot about math, parallel universes really do exist. what does this mean? it means Sliders was real… in another universe… probably.

man rips head off duck. duck is not amused.

female ninjas rob gas station. i cross off #32 on the list of things i want to see before i die.

germs go to space. germs come back better, stronger, faster, deadlier. fuck yeah. space germs will kill us all. did i mention, you should really be enjoying life while you can.

holy crap, holy crap, holy crap

it was just recently announced that Hotel Chevalier, wes anderson’s prologue to The Darjeeling Limited, will premier TODAY in apple stores in NY, LA, chicago, and sanfrancisco.  and more importantly, it will be available for free on the itunes store, tomorrow.  (which also means it will be on every bit torrent site by tomorrow night.)  this is the best news i’ve heard all year.

bermese monks want to ruin rambo 4

after september 11th, 2001, sylvester stallone supposedly locked himself in a room, and when he finally came out, he had the first draft of John Rambo, which took place in afganistan and involved rambo hunting osama bin ladin. as the political climate in america changed over the next five years, new drafts had rambo ripping throats out in such places as north korea and iraq. finally, stallone called up soldier of fortune magazine and asked, “where in the world is shit the most fucked up?” and the response was burma (now known as myanmar, but i’m gonna keep saying burma cause rambo says burma). so rambo is going to burma to fight the evil burmese millitary and rescue some girl that could be his great-granddaughter. but now, these friggin burmese monks are trying to fuck it all up for everyone by trying to get the ruthless military controlled government of burma to hand over the country to the peaceful National League of Democracy party. if they’re successful by the end of 07, WHO THE FUCK IS RAMBO GOING TO KILL??? he’s gotta kill SOMEONE. in fact, he has to kill fucking HORDES of people. what a bunch of selfish fucks, trying to fuck up the most violent movie in the history of cinema, just so they won’t have to live under the most violent and oppressive government in the world today. i don’t care if they are peace loving come january. the whole fucking country could be fucking sunshine and rainbows for all i care. rambo is going to kill those motherfuckers.

sick, sick wurld

have you seen the new poster for good luck chuck? look familiar? wtf, chuck?

i just stumbled across the The Perry Bible Fellowship, and proceeded to spend an hour reading every single comic.

do you know what the term “vagina dentata” means? if not, you’re about to find out. is it weird that i am still attracted to her after finding out what she’s got going on downstairs? (all links sfw, i think.)

interesting anecdote about WWII and warner bros. studios:
“Well aware that the Lockheed aircraft plant in Burbank, just blocks from his studio, was certain to be a high-value target, [Jack Warner] was horrified one day to have someone point out that, from the air, a Japanese bomber might not be able to tell the difference. Warner promptly visited the studio’s paint shop and ordered the erection of an enormous sign on the roof of one of the Warner soundstages. The result? A twenty-foot arrow pointing to Burbank, along with the words: LOCKHEED – THAT-A-WAY!”

happy birthday Bill Murray

bill murray, you are the shit.

float on

i no longer browse the internet with a purpose. i sit down at my computer, i open my web browser, and i just start to drift through the randomness of an ungodly amount of information, inevitably ending up at a porn site.

this is some crazy shit. they’re like, the fucking jedi masters of beer pong. or something.

rock, paper, scissors is for fucking kids (not literally). welcome to the 21st century, bitches.

the funniest joke in the world. you have to love monty python. or else.

i don’t understand how certain things end up on wikipedia. like this list of unusual deaths, for example. just a warning, i started reading this list thinking it sounded funny/interesting. although there are a few entertaining incidents, after reading the whole list and reading the accompanying stories for a few, i am now severely depressed. ride the bump to feel my pain.

wtf

 

i’ve been trying to figure out what the deal is with richard kelly’s new movie, Southland Tales.  he wrote and directed Donnie Darko, and then he wrote Domino.  so who the fuck knows what his next project might be like.  not to mention, the cast consists of the rock, mandy moore, stiffler, buffy, JT, and jon lovitz.  (!!!)  so i just watched the trailer for the first time. and my initial reaction was, WHAT THE FUCK??1?  this movie is going to be terrible.  right???  donnie darko was a fluke.  right???  it can’t be good.  RIGHT?????  so why do i feel like it might be… good?

chinabone

guess what. rob schneider is making his directorial debut with Big Stan. seriously. i’m a little pissed that norm macdonald has yet to be cast. he makes everything better.

take a look at this movie poster but try not to throw up on your keyboard like i just did. sometimes a movie is “so bad, it’s good” and sometimes a movie is just “fucking terrible.” i’m pretty sure i know which this will be.

i just saw Chinatown in a theater. (if you don’t know why that’s significant, add it to the list of reasons i don’t want you reading my blog.) i love watching classics in the theater. you can spend more money on your home theater than your car (like me), and it still won’t match the experience of going to a movie theater.

still hangin in there, barely

remember when i said that The Ten kind of sucked? i take it all back. not because i watched the movie again and had a change of heart, but because i just read this review. it kind of makes me want to watch the movie again (with drugs this time).

so i guess scientology is a lot bigger than i thought. check out this list of famous scientologists that you didn’t know were scientologists because you still had a little respect for them and didn’t want to believe that they were fucking dumb enough to buy into that shit. poor, poor laura prepon.

there’s a new trailer for Run, Fatboy, Run. i am still optimistic that it will be good. at least i’m trying to be.

Interpol, reviewed!!!

i went to see Interpol last night at my least favourite venue in the world, but i guess Paul Banks disagrees. “this is a cool room. we’ve played here before. i fucking love this room.”

Liars opened. i kept going back and forth between, “these guys fucking suck,” and “these guys are insanely fucking awesome.” they reminded me of a cross between Politefully Plump and The Jesus and Mary Chain. (that could be a lie.)

i saw Interpol at lollapalooza last month, and they fucking blew my ass off. although, i couldn’t say for sure that they were as awesome as they appeared to be due to the fact that i was trashed and delirious from the exhaustion of 20+ hours of heat and rockin/ass-shakin crammed into just a day and half. i saw them again last night and i was as sober as young boy who just dodged a sexual advance from his priest, and i can now say without a doubt, interpol is fucking amazing. i realize that using the word “amazing” makes me sound like a highschool girl who spent the show fantasizing about blowing Carlos D, but i am no word guy. i’m just a blogger hack who uses a lot of bad metaphors and similes. and they were fucking amazing. say hello to the angels and stella were both highlights. if you live in hotlanta, i don’t know wtf ur doing reading my blog, but you should go see Interpol this friday at a venue that is actually worth a shit.

u know dick?

i just found out that they are re-releasing Bladerunner, again. the new version will be titled Bladerunner: The Final Cut, and it is apparently the first true director’s cut. this wouldn’t be nearly as big of news to me, except that they are not only releasing the new version on dvd, but it will also be showing in theaters on 0ct 5th, in NY & LA. now i just need to find a way to get to either of those cities.

in other Philip K Dick news, paul giamatti will be playing PKD in an upcoming biopic, The Owl in Daylight. it sounds like just one of many upcoming projects related to mr. dick. which is a good thing.

if you haven’t seen DOA yet, this russian dude posted a bunch of awesome screen shots on his livejournal. (i’m pretty sure the russians are the only ones still using livejournal.) this one is my favorite. you better hurry up and add it to your netflix list before the queue gets too long.

benicio del toro is The Wolf Man. is there anyone in the world who could play this character better than del toro? (no. there is not.)

bruce lee is crazy awesome

you should really already know this, but when Bruce Lee died in 1973, he left the film Game of Death with only about 20 minutes of footage. the movie was eventually completed using stand ins, which turned out to be a giant mess, which is the basis for the new mockumentary Finishing the Game, which sounds like it’ll be pretty good. if you want to watch something that is truly fucking awesome, just ride the bump.

go away

remember the days when i was the only person reading my blog? i do. it was only three weeks ago. i miss those days. i didn’t mind other people (you) reading it, at first, because i naturally assumed that those people (you) would send me money. because that didn’t work out, i’ve decided to take a stab at reducing the number of people (you) that visit this site. enjoy the video.

hangin in there

it’s prince vs. the internet. go get’em prince. fuck that internet like it’s 1999. and then kill yourself so that your fans don’t have to hang their heads in shame.

i did a little work on that coming soon page. it fucking blows. it seemed like a good idea, but i am too lazy, and you are not worth the effort.

the official trailer for Juno was just released.  don’t worry.  i’m no longer angry with you.

just a friendly reminder for the weekend, we could all die at any moment, so have some fun while you can.

power to the people

 

for a while now, i’ve been hearing about the impending hollywood strike, but i haven’t given it much thought until today.  in fact, i didn’t even take the time to find out wtf was going on until about twenty minutes ago.  here’s the short version.  writers, actors, and directors all want a piece of dvd sales, but the studios want to keep that $24 billion per year for themselves.  so if this shit doesn’t get worked out, everyone in the writers guild, the directors guild, and the screen actors guild (which means EVERYFUCKINGONE), is going on strike in june 2008.  as a result, producers are rushing A LOT of movies into production to make sure that they are not affected.  any movie that isn’t in production by march next year, probably isn’t going to happen for a while.  one movie that has already been boned by the strike is Pompeii, which should’ve and would’ve been roman polanski’s next film.  (btw, if you are too cool to click on links, you just missed the best quote ever.)

so here is what scares me about this whole mess.  as some dude said in that article you didn’t read, “long-term, it can reduce the diversity of films as only the big studios can take that kind of hit.”  think about that shit for a second.  [now continue reading.]  unless you really fucking love watered down, mainstream, piece of shit movies, you could potentially never see the movies that would someday be your favorites.  (did that make sense?  fucking engish langage.)   remember Swingers, Donnie Darko, and Brick?  (three of my all time favorite films, btw.)  what if they were never made because a starved hollywood had to cut back on production of indie films?  i realize how dramatic i’m being, but jtfc.  the studios better settle this shit quick, cause the last thing i need is one more thing to worry about, and one less way to escape from worrying about shit.

i saw 2 Days in Paris again tonight.  i hope that a few years from now, i can still go to the movies and see films that don’t involve a superhero or a fucking pirate.

hurray, violence

you may not be aware of this, but there’s a new rambo movie coming out in january. the official title is John Rambo. i am not joking. sylvester stallone is following up Rocky Balboa with John Rambo. before your head explodes, you have to watch the trailer. this actually looks like it could be the most violent movie EVER, and therefore, worth seeing.

i don’t know what i like more about this article; the fact that Dark City is fucking sweet, or the DOA dvd ad at the top of the page. if only they would stop saying “real men.”

it might be a little early, considering this movie doesn’t come out until 2009, but i’m already excited about Dali & I. it’s based on the life of salvador dali and stars al pacino and (just announced) cillian murphy. how could that not be good? seriously.

white light/white heat

this is some cool shit. it’s about 50 years away from being useful, but holy fuck, that is friggin cool.

UPDATE: still cool, one week later.

btw, i heart science.