i wish i could quit you. fag.

i think i accidentally made a blog post.  this is from a comment on www.fivethreedialtone.com www.eatthiscity.com.   i couldn’t just let it be.

you ever notice how some people use the comment section of other people’s blogs as if they were their own blog? super lame bryanmetro and jared. it’s called wordpress. google it.

also, the oscars are only good for two things… getting drunk and swearing at your television.

also, dark knight absolutely did not deserve the best picture nomination. but for that matter, neither did crash, return of the king, chicago, a beautiful mind, gladiator, shakespeare in love, titanic, the english patient, or braveheart.

also, am i the only one who didn’t fucking love that button movie? i mean, it was good, but 13 nominations? seriously? i would have liked it better if they had released it under it’s original title, “forrest gump 2.” [boo yah!]

and why wasn’t rambo nominated for anything? isn’t there a category for best film depiction of the murder of a child? because rambo would’ve gotten double nominated for that shit. how many movies show a baby being ripped out of his mother’s arms and thrown in a fire, just for the hell of it? fuck dark knight. fucking rambo should have gotten a best picture nom.

this party is just getting started

the average walking speed for a human person is 2.8 to 3.4 miles per hour.

the terminator movies were prophetic prophecies from prophets.

pizza is delicious.

generally, human people blink every 2-10 seconds.

rainbows are dangerous.

netfuck u

netflix just told me that they will no longer mail dvds to me because i had a few stolen off my porch. this is not cool. if you don’t have netflix, you cannot comprehend the amount of time and energy that it requires. i have spent hundreds, if not billions of hours building my queue and rating movies that i have seen. and now netflix has told me that the only way that i can prevent all of this time and hard work from going to waste is to take my penis, cut it off, swallow it, wait about 8 hours, shit it out, and then swallow it again.

i hate netflix.

fuckers never quit. quiters never get to fuck.

don’t worry. i haven’t given up yet. i’ve just been busy drinking alcohol and playing with my wiener. the other night i did nothing but get drunk and beat the midget all night long. but now i’ve turned over a new leaf (which has nothing to do with the giant blister on willy wonka). i’m back to the shit and ready to rock. while you’re waiting for the real “rocking” to begin, check THIS out. it is the greatest thing i have seen all day. seriously. all. fucking. day.

i’m halle berry

guess what i’m doing. i’m LIVE blogging about the oscars. that’s right, i’m not even waiting til its over to spew my nonsensical bullshit. i’m typing as it happens. and drinking in between. here we go.

i just saw the fat guys from superbad. they said something about black women.

juno just lost best actress. wow. this german woman is really excited.i think forrest whitaker is gonna bone her back stage.

do women have week hearts? what is diet coke trying to make me aware of? will their heart explode if you piss them off? wtf? and who the fuck would want heidi klum’s dress [other than lonely perves who want to use it for masturbatorial purposes]?

wii tennis on the oscars. swiit. (terrible)

once was a really good movie. and the music was also very good. but this musical performance is kind of creeping me out. the oscars is too big (in a bad way) for this song. they DO NOT need an orchestra. oh fucking well. i love that he still uses that guitar though. i thought it was just a prop for the movie, but it’s actually not. he’s been playing on the same acoustic guitar for so long that he has literally worn holes in it.

nicholson is great. he is the only person who is delivering his prewritten speech without sounding like he’s just reading some bullshit off of a teleprompter. even though he is. but that’s why he’s fucked more woman than God. he is the man.

now there showing every movie that won best picture for the past 80 years. it probably shouldn’t be surprising, but this a really good list. right up until they get to the mid 90s. braveheart, the english patient, titanic, shakespeare in love, gladiator, and chicago. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH US? how could the past ten years of movies suck so badly that those flaming pieces of shit all won best picture?

i really liked the bourne ultimatum, but how the fuck is it winning so many oscars? i turned this shit on in the middle of the show and bourne has already won about 37 oscars.

“film editing. someone just took the lead in their office oscar pool based on a guess.” how can you not love jon stewart?

nicole kidman is wearing 3 billion dollars worth of diamonds. remember last year when it was almost uncool to wear diamonds because of the movie Blood Diamond? thank God that trend is over. |get back to work, you lazy african diamond mining slaves. nicole kidman still needs 53 more stones for her oscar necklace.|

holy crap. that guy is fuckingold. robert boyle, i believe. i think they just gave him an oscar for living to be 124 years old. oh man. i was just about to say that at least he is still mentally sharp, but then the old man brain took over. now he’s rambling on like any steriotypical old ass guy who wants to tell you stories about the 30s and about how much milk used to cost. holy shit. i just spilled beer on my new couch and i had to run to the kitchen to get shit to clean it up, and after i was done cleaning up the mess i realized that the old guy is STILL talking. someone needs to grow some balls and start playing the “wrap it up” music.

i find it strange that all these movie stars [and professional assholes] who normally present themselves as overly confident pricks, are obviously so nervous. it just goes to show, something. maybe i’ll finish this thought later.

Billy Wilder was austrian. i did not know that.

these musical performances are fucking awful. if i hadn’t just spilled another beer, i would’ve been fast forwarding through that shit. but unfortunately, my crouch was wet. so i was preoccupied.

if once doesn’t win best song, i will fucking kill myself. just wait. here it comes. give it to me travolta. YES. that is fucking awesome.

“that guy is so arrogant.” i heart jon stewart. this will not be funny later. but i nearly pissed myself when it happened.

wow. i love those once guys.

remember when cameron diaz was hot? i don’t. “For There Will Be Blood” just won an oscar. i hate cameron diaz.

holy shit. i didn’t know jack valenti died. why the fuck didn’t people cheer louder. that ass hole is finally in hell where he belongs. thank fuck. and of course, the grand finale of dead people, heathe [i heart pills] ledger.

jon stewart is probably the best oscars host EVAR. that’s right, i said EVAR.

oh man. they’re having an award presented by military personnel stationed in iraq. that just goes to show, hollywood is run by liberal pussies. and tom hanks. liberal pussies. and tom hanks. i bet their about to give an oscar to Michael Moore. holy crap. i guess i need to rent Taxi to the Dark Side.

i just remembered i saw the trailer for the new Indiana Jones movie. and it gave me a giant boner.

Diablo Cody just won the oscar for best screen play. what a fucking cry baby. she also wins the award for worst dress ever. i hate to rag on anyone for not fitting in at the biggest conformist celebration in the world, but god damn it, leopard print? really? fucking, come on.

here comes a big one. lead actor. get ready to shed a tear. holy shit. that old bitch has more diamonds than nicole kidman. fuck those africans. why are they even bothering with this? just give it to Daniel Day Lewis, and let’s go home. there you go. ddl is the shit. haha. he just accepted the award in the name of his grandfather, father, and 3 sons, but not in the name of his daughters. just goes to show what a daughter is worth. (i may have just made that up.)

i wish they would’ve given jon stewart more to do in the past 30 minutes of the show.

joel and ethan coen just won best director. that’s cool. i don’t even remember who i was pulling for 30 seconds ago. but i’m not disappointed now.

denzel looks like he has somewhere better to be and he can’t wait to get out of here. …….. woah. i am really shocked now. no country for old men just won best picture. wow. this is “oscar magic.”

and that was the oscars. i guess i missed owen wilson showing everone what a failure he is by not being able to kill himself. oh well. oh shit. what did javier bardem win? he is the shit. god damn it. i wish i would have turned this shit on earlier. why the fuck are they playing the mission impossible song? god damn it. i fucking hate the oscars.

get back to work, you lazy fucks

the writers’ strike is over. no more american gladiators [come april]. and to that i say, boooo. have you been watching Conan this week? fucking hell man. i love that guy, but shit on a fucking stick, the best thing that ever happened to him was losing his writers. this is a perfect example of what is wrong in every form of art. (yeah, that’s right. i’m about to go there.) when Conan lost his writers, he was like a small animal, cornered and defenseless. and then, just like any comedian/talk show host [or artist for that matter] with real talent, he fucking exploded. without the crutch of his writers, he was forced to rely on his natural ability to entertain. and the result was something that we haven’t seen from him since he lost his comedic soul mate, Andy Richter. the writer’s strike provoked the kind of creativity that can only come from desperation. just like any art form, the best work is the result of some kind of conflict or challenging event. some people say that the best art comes from pain, but really, the pain is just the byproduct of the challenge. when life is truly difficult, you are pushed to your max [or you crumble from the anxiety like certain people (me)]. it’s the trying times that produce the best product because not only is the artist [or talk show host [or blogger for that matter]] delivering everything that he or she has to offer, but he/she/it is doing so in a way that is relatable to everyone. and i do mean everyfuckingone. whether you’re paris hilton or joe shmoe bum on the street, your life is filled with conflict. whether or not you/he/she/it chooses to overcome, or attempt to overcome that conflict will differ from person to person, but the universal desire is to try. struggle is so much more attractive than success because struggle is real and success is a pipe dream. there is no real success in the human condition, and the only alternative to struggle is to quit, or die (depending on the circumstances). artists who are willing to risk and struggle, and can do so while connecting with an audience, are the ones who create the greatest works. and that is why Conan was so great for the past five weeks. in the desperation of the situation, he lowered his self imposed standards and thereby allowed himself to be more creative and rely on his talent much more than he was comfortable doing in the recent past. he is a great comedian, and the writers’ strike allowed his talents to shine. i can only hope that the return of the writers does not mean the death of the new Conan.

my advice to all aspiring artists: quit your job, move out of your parents basement to a city where you don’t know anyone, get a shitty job cleaning toilets making minimum wage, eat ramen noodles for every meal, and immerse yourself in your art every waking second that you have. (although, i make $90k a year and drive a beamer, so wtf do i know?)

why didn’t i think of that?

some “experts” predict that we will be having sex with robots sooner than you might expect.  i’m still trying to figure out when it starts being a robot and stops being an anal vibrator.  does it just have to look and feel real?  does it have to be powered by batteries or other source of electricity?  does it have to grunt and moan as if its world was being rocked by your sub par performance?  if you play a recording of sex sounds and stick a vibrating mechanism in a real doll, are you fucking a robot?  [if i have to tell you nsfw, then you deserve to be fired, and possibly raped... by your boss...  your disgusting, unholy, pig of a boss.]  remember when the robots in *batteries not included had sex?  that was pretty cool.

rambo has restored my faith in humanity

a while back i said that Rambo 4 was going to be the most violent movie in the history of movies. i could not have been more excited. i seriously had a violence boner for the whole month of january. and now that i have seen it, i know you are crapping in your computer chair waiting for me to tell you what i thought. (either that, or you are just scanning this page for NAKED PICTURES OF LAURA PREPON.) well here you go… Rambo 4/First Blood: Part IV/To Hell and Back/Holy War/The Cobra’s Pearl Necklace/John Rambo took every one of my expectations, and raped them with a machete. this movie was more of everything i thought than i could have ever expected. i’m talking severed limbs, atom bombs, child molestation, spilled intestines, and a baby being ripped out of his mother’s arms and thrown in a fire [just for the fuck of it]. the dialogue was even amazing. have you ever heard a line better than, “when you’re pushed, killin’s as easy as breathin”? oh, and remember the scene from the trailer where Rambo rips the guy’s throat out with his bare hand? i have never heard a theater cheer so loud in my life. in fact, the whole crowd (95% wieners) was going ape shit with cheers/laughter for the whole movie. it was truly the anti-Juno, and i fucking loved it.

before the movie they showed a couple previews that were almost as entertaining as the movie itself. the first was a pretty crappy trailer about a guy who accidentally takes a picture of a serial killer murdering someone on the subway and then tries catching him. it all looked very “dramatic” and “intense” and “fucking terrible.” the trailer dragged on for about 3 hours until finally, the pay off. the title of the movie was MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN. not joking. seriously called that. seriously. see for yourself.

the second preview got me almost as excited as Rambo 4’s trailer. (but not quite.) it was for a movie called Doomsday which is every futuristic apocalyptic sci-fi action movie you’ve ever seen. but instead of mel [i eat jew babies for strength] gibson, they have this girl. i’m not sure if this movie will really be the shit, or if i was just really jacked up on the Rambo juice. i guess we’ll find out in march. in the meantime, watch the trailer.

i saw cloverfield

… and i can’t wash it off.

i realize that this may sound strange for someone who has a blog about movies and stuff, but i just found out about how awesome netflix is.  it is really quite fucking awesome.  as much as i miss going to a cool video store to rent movies, u can’t beat the experience of renting movies while sitting naked, spread eagle on your couch [or your roommate's couch], while playing with your balls.  i came pretty close to that experience once at a blockbuster.  needless to say, it ended badly.  so anyway, i just posted my entire fucking queue, and after reading through it again, i realized that that is the most personal thing i have ever posted here, on this bloggish thing you’re reading.  i mean, i feel like i really just exposed myself to you, and i’m feeling exceptionally vulnerable.  it’s like, what are you going to point and laugh at first?  my red pubes, my small penis, or my left testicle which hangs much lower than the right [and is also significantly larger].  anyway, i like netflix.

i watched Jackass Number Two for the first time this weekend.  i remembered jackass being kind of funny when i was in highskool, or college, but i never really got into it.  but holy titty fuck was JNT funny.  i don’t know if it’s because i’m getting less and less mature as i get older and older, or if it’s because my tastes are becoming more and more refined and jackass is intellectually stimulating on a level i am only now able to appreciate.  either way, that movie was fucking funny.  not only did it make me laugh, but it also made me come closer to throwing up than any other movie, EVER.

netflix is GoD

my queue is your bitch.  or my bitch.  or you are my bitch.  or you are my queue’s bitch.  or something. [this is why i don't blog anymore.]

news flash… Juno didn’t suck

if you have turned on a tv in the past week, you have seen at least thirty commercials telling you that Juno is the greatest movie ever to be made and that everyone in the country is shitting/cumming in their pants because it is so unbelievably amazing. and you know what? it actually was really fucking good. at least, i think it was. i watched it in a theater packed with drunk teenagers, and my idiot, misogynistic friends. between the highskoolers yelling to each other about who stole beer from whose [or is it whoms] parents’ fridge, and my women hating friends giggling at the serious scenes, it was not easy to fully experience the film. in spite of the overwhelming immaturity and vaginaphobia, i still managed to enjoy it. it was a really good story, and yes [god damn it] it was well written. (i’ll get to Diablo Cody in a minute.) the thing that has all the piss ant bloggers pissing their ant pants is the dialogue. you’ve all seen the fucking trailer, so you should fucking know going into it that the dialogue is stylized. and by stylized, i mean that people in the movie do not talk like people talk in real life. i assume this is especially annoying to people who don’t read [books] (mainly because i like insulting people who disagree with me). to be honest, i was kind of indifferent about the dialogue. everyone either loved it or hated it. except me. i am special. i just really liked the movie for what it was. …

djew hear about Diablo Cody? if not, then you are pop culture retarded. i really liked her after the first couple articles i read about her. but fuck did it get old quick hearing about how she used to be a stripper, and about how she is standing up for women in hollywood, and blah blah fucking fuck blah. the turning point for me was the entertainment weekly interview. (linking to that article would be like willfully spreading an STD (recycling is fun).) in that one article, i got a glimpse of what Bruce Campbell has referred to as “spores.” basically, spores are what infect any and everyone who spends too much time in “hollywood.” they sap your integrity, your intelligence, and your ability to be or to do anything worth a shit. to give you an example of spores, paris hilton’s mother was not impregnated by sperm. she was impregnated by a spore. Diablo needs to get the fuck out of LfuckingA quick, or else she is going to end up being just another bland as fuck hollywood writer, putting out cutting edge movies like legally blonde and the sweetest thing.

btw, bad news for all of you vaginaphobes. Teeth comes out this weekend!!! i won’t make the same mistake i made with Juno by building this one up. instead, i’ll just give you this. (watch it, you pussy.)

happy burfday to bean

mr bean is 53.  woo hoo for the funniest man to ever come out of england. (other than monty python.)  (and benny hill.)  (and ever other british comedian who is funnier than the bean.)

good news for you bored internet browsing fucks,  i’m driving the sweetest cherry red mustang convertible ever.  and i am about 15 pounds lighter than last week.    with any luck, i’ll be back to blogging regularly sometime this week.  yay for you.

in the meantime, here’s a glimpse of the garbage that i’ll be linking to shortly.  celebrities give their kids funny names.  even vomit inducingly hot celebrities.

coming in 20008, more bullshit!!!!!!

in the meantime, get fuzzy.

movies rock (fur shizzel)

a while back i got a supplement with wired magazine called movies rock. it actually wasn’t terrible to read. they had a couple things about Bill Murray and Zooey Deschanel. not to mention, they had two of my favorite comedians, Demetri Martin and David Cross, reviewing tracks recorded by celebrities. i really wanted to post the article, but this bullshit magazine supplement is, apparently, not on the internet. (i am still in disbelief that there is anything in existence that does not also exist on the internet.) luckily for you, i was a little drunk when i realized that the article has not found its way to the webbernuts. (don’t worry, a little alcohol is good for fetuses.) so i typed out about half the article. i was apparently too drunk to type the whole thing. ride the bump to read hilarity ensuing [like i give a shit].

UPDATE: my theory has been proven. everything that exists, also exists on the internet. including the internet. (paradox, motherfucker.) here’s the whole article that i needlessly spent an hour trying to retype.

the triumphant return [to be immediately followed by morning sickness]

don’t worry, i’m due in january. then, not only will i have plenty of time to post my verbal diarrhea, but i’ll also be able to do it while driving around in my sweet new mustang convertible. (you wouldn’t believe how much cash you can get for a brand new baby.)

thank God for science. they finally found a cure for gayness… in flies. but not before finding a way to turn hetro flies queer as a three dollar bill. i don’t really understand how they did it, but i heard that both transformations somehow involved zac effron.

Juno hits theaters this weekend. please fucking go see it so i can finally stop talking about it. you’ll love it. i swear. rainn wilson is in it. who doesn’t love rainn wilson? no one. that’s who. jesus titty fucking christ, just go see the fucking movie already. fucking hell, dude. seriously.

i went to see Atonement this weekend. before you ask, no, there was not a nude scene. believe it or not, that was not why i went. (seriously.) the main attraction for me was the long take that i kept hearing about. it was an insane five minute sequence requiring an infinite amount of orchestration. if you go to see the movie, and you hear James McAvoy say “i smell the sea,” sit up and start paying attention. other than that one extremely awesome shot, the movie wasn’t bad. not the greatest story, but really well shot. and they showed the word “cunt” in really big letters. so there’s that, too.

i just started listening to Peter, Bjorn, and John and i’ve been dancing around [in my head] to their music all week. quick, someone welcome me to 2006.

i just watched the trailer for Machine Girl, and it’s left me feeling strange. i know how i should feel. i should have a boner from the overwhelming amount of awesomeness that i just witnessed. but instead, i’m left feeling a little bored. is it possible that i finally went over the edge? could i have pushed the threshold to the point that there is no longer a threshold? i guess it’s just a matter of time before the internet does this to everyone. you can only experience things like two girls, one cup so many times before something snaps. or maybe it’s just the hormones.

fuck a duck

here’s the deal. with this baby on the way, i got a shit ton of things to do. so don’t expect me to be updating much for the rest of the year. but keep checking BITA. everyday. at least twice a day.

have i mentioned lately how much i love japanese people? 1 2 3 4 5 6 … i fucking love those crazy bastards. children’s television is really going apeshit. if i had seen that when i was a little kid, i probably would’ve shat my pants. but at least i’d know how to count to six.

iphone owner gets pwned!!1!!1!11!!!oen!!!11!

Sienna Miller will play Baroness in the upcoming GI Joe movie. now i’m about a billion times more likely to see the fucking GI Joe movie. (although, i’m told that any number multiplied by zero is still zero.)

i just recently discovered the magic of podcasts. people are always telling me i’m “on the cutting edge” and i see no reason to disagree. if you like movies, and you have a long drive to work, and you are scared of signing up for an itunes account, and you are in to bestiality, and you like movies, check out Creative Screenwriting Magazine’s blog. you can download all of their podcasts from the past year as MP3s, so all of you ipodophobes can play them on your giant, gas powered mp3 players.

christmas came early for lonely guys who masturbate a lot. (did you catch the pun?) Jessica Alba’s top 5 sexiest moments.

i went to see No Country for Old Men this past weekend. it was really fucking good. really good, but still able to piss off most people who see it. i’ll save you any potential let down; do not expect a big climactic ending. that’s as much as i’ll give away. the sound and cinematography were fucking sick. the sound was especially good. like, almost as good as The Conversation. also, i’ve never seen an “action” movie with so much depth to the story. i’ve only had the chance to see it once, but i want to watch it about five more times just to let everything digest. also, Javier Bardem is the ultimate bad ass.

fat kid avoids ridicule. the onion always finds those feel good stories that remind you of the irrepressible human spirit. or something.

i JUST found out that Zooey Deschanel is signed on to play Janis Joplin in the new biopic Gospel According to Janis. although i generally think Zooey Deschanel playing anyone in anything is the greatest idea ever, i have a problem with Janis Joplin being played by one of the most attractive women EVER. (i may have a bit of a crush.) the problem is, one of the things that played into Janis’s insecurity and self destruction was her feeling that she was butt fucking ugly. (her words, not mine.) i realize that hollywood has a fucking terrible time trying to cast unattractive women, but this is way the fuck out there. BONUS: there will be a NUDE SCENE. i already have a boner.

so fucked

holy crap.  i just got “mentioned!”  now it’s only a matter of time before this blog gets me laid.  i should start updating more regularly, before the hoes start to lose interest.  unfortunately, with this baby on the way, it’s not going to be easy.

i went to see Beowulf in 3D at an IMAX this weekend.  it was pretty cool.  the last 3D IMAX movie i saw was superman returns, and it sucked.  supe really only utilized the 3D in a few scenes, where as Beowulf was rockin the 3D hardcore in every friggin scene.  Crispin Glover’s character Grendel was pretty cool too.  lots of “in your face” grossness.  and i can’t not mention Angelina Jolie’s gigantic naked mud covered cartoon boobs and vagina.

i finished watching the first season of Californication last night.  although the BPE (boobs per episode) dropped off considerably after the third episode, it remained THOROUGHLY entertaining til the end.  although the ending of the season was surprising.  and not necessarily in a good way.  i fucking love that show though. it’s not as high brow as The Sopranos, but wtf is?  (if my junior high english teacher ever read this paragraph, she would most likely beat me.  and then probably rape me.  while beating me some more. (i’m still scared of mrs. pounds.))

fuck me sideways.  i’m sure you’ve seen the shittier than shit trailer for Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story.  not even Jack White could get me to see that movie after watching that POS trailer. but then (thank fucking christ for the europeans) they released the UNRATED TRAILER.  i don’t like building up comedies, (or anything else for that matter) but do not make up your mind about seeing this movie until you watched the REAL TRAILER.

the writer’s strike continues.  some british dude from the daily show explains what’s up.

i know this has been the topic of many a comedian (couldn’t find the right clip. fuck me.), but i went to the mall this weekend to buy some pants, and i was fucking shocked to hear alvin and the chipmunks singing “christmas don’t be late.”  WTF?  in case i mixed advil and alcohol and blacked out again, i do not fucking remember thanksgiving happening.  so why the fuck did santa fucking claus just grab my ass?  santa does not make unwanted sexual advances preturkeyfuckingday.  don’t get me wrong.  i like christmas.  i tend to be filled with the christmas spirit every year.  for example, i am far less likely to mercilessly beat a homeless man with a hammer after hearing “a wonderful christmas time.”  but doesn’t anyone else feel like, maybe, corporate america is ripping the baby jesus fetus out of the womb about a month early?  i like the baby jesus.  i just don’t want to see his ass before he’s ripe.

asdf

i’m not that into sports. i tend to be more interested in the uniforms.

i do not like shia labeouf. i am not happy that he is playing Indiana Jones‘ son in Crystal Skull. i guess i’m not alone.

djew ever see sylvester stallone’s porno, Italian Stallion? (serious.) it’s showing RIGHT NOW, at the Music Box in chicago. if you live there, you should not pass up the opportunity to see sly stallone’s itallian sausage. (weak.) or the anal sex scene that i’ve heard so much about. (lie.)

it’s Martin Scorsese‘ birthday. it’s also RuPaul’s birthday. woo hoo. what else is there to say?

best news evar!!!

i’m preggers!!! yay for me.

i gave away all of the today’s best links to fellow (more committed) bloggers. here are the left overs.

this is proof that most people need to pull their heads out of their asses and stop judging people they don’t know shit about. “surfer dude discovers holy grail of physics.” (also, if you use the term “surfer dude” you are automatically a douche bag.)

please, fucking god, somebody buy this for me.

i’m about to admit something to you (readers of my blog whom i feel so very close to), that i have never revealed to anyone, ever (while sober). every time i watch Rocky 1, i tear up a little at the end. don’t bother calling me a fag, cause i know most of you do it too. so out of the 22 screenplays he’s written, stallone nailed at least one. but holy fucking shit, what is this? writing and directing a biopic about edgar allan poe??? all those goth kids must be rolling over in their coffin shaped beds. is it possible that we are all underestimating the man who brought us such classics as Over the Top and Rhinestone?  nevermore.  (shameless, i am.)

not cool

i just started watching David Duchovny’s new show, Californication.  (it’s not really new, but i never had showtime, so fuck me.)  it’s pretty good so far.  i’ve only seen the first two episodes and i’ve already seen about 37 boobs.  it’s kind of like entourage, except rather than being about an actor and his friends, it’s about fox mulder banging every girl in LA.  hurray boobs.

i saw american gangster this weekend.  the ending was kind of weak, but for the most part it was pretty good. denzel is cool. russel crow is tolerable. other than the ending, the only thing that bothered me was how hard the movie was trying to relate to the modern world.  at the beginning of the movie this guy goes off about how all these companies like toshiba and sony are taking all the jobs from the americans and moving them to china.  keep in mind, the movie was set in the late 60’s.  WTF was Ridley Scott trying to pull?  i would be getting really pissed off right now, if i had more energy.  but fuck it.

remember when i said Righteous Kill was going to be good?  NEVERFUCKINGMIND.  i just watched the trailer.  apparently, they decided against making another kick ass crime drama à la Heat, and instead made an 80’s cop drama parody à la Loaded Weapon 1.  seriously, watch the first 7 seconds of the trailer and try not to pee your pants laughing (or crying).

if you have any questions about the writers’ strike, John August is here with the answers.

do you ever think about how if michael jackson would have died in 1988, everyone (especially michael jackson) would have been much better off?  i feel the same way about weezer.  rivers cuomo may not have ever fondled a little boy’s tig and berries, but i think his last album deserves an equally harsh punishment.  btw, weezer is releasing a new album.

i’m excited about heath ledger playing the joker in the upcoming batman movie.  jack nicholson is not.  how the fuck does mtv always get the best interviews?  it’s just like carson fucking daly.  he ALWAYS gets the best guests.  and his show is on at, like, four in the morning.  my theory is that all celebrities are insecure, so being interviewed by someone who is more intelligent than them is a terrifying idea.  but being interviewed by carson daly is like being in a fight to the death with a baby koala bear.