i sincerely want to fuck the taste out of your mouth

back again.  with some real shit for once.  set boners to stun.  here we go.

the other day, the movie australia was on tv.  you know, the movie with wolverine and tom cruise’s old beard, both doing really bad australian accents.   the movie opens with the following line:  “the territory was a land of crocodiles, cattle barons, and warrior chiefs, where adventure and romance was a way of life.”  OMG!!!!!!!  how did the studio let that go???  i mean, this fucking movie cost at least $100 million to make, and they didn’t even bother to check the grammar.  ???  i’m all for keeping the studio out of the creative process, but at some point, you have to rein in the nut you hired to drive your zeppelin.  [in case you missed that, australia = hindenberg.]

ytf is everyone so excited about Scott Pilgrim vs. The World?  the film blog nerd universe has the biggest hard-on (-?) for this movie, but i can’t figure out why.  i mean, i love Edgar Wright as much as the next androgynous blogger, but neither Simon Pegg nor Nick Frost are even in this movie.  i have been anxiously awaiting Michael Cera playing a character other than George Michael, and maybe SPvTW will be what i’ve been waiting for.  or maybe it’s just another overstylized POS comicbook movie.  time will tell.  in the meantime, watch the motherfucking trailer.  !!!

hot tub time machine.  seriously.  that title is like a punch in the genitals.  it’s like some guy went to see wild hogs and thought, “i can make something dumber than that.”  but rather than doing it with tim allen, this guy wanted to go for a higher degree of difficulty.  so he went out and got people that are actually funny and tried to force them all to suck ass.  but what’s really fucked up is that httm keeps getting good reviews.  even aint it cool news [worst/most respected on the internet/still fucking terrible film blog] was quoted [in the commercial] as saying “run, don’t walk to see hot tub time machine.”  when i heard that, i totally forgot about whether or not httm was any good, and was focused only on the fact that people still say “run, don’t walk to see…”  fuck.  how?  FUCK!!  i am so pissed off about this.  seriously, please, somebody go pull the fucking plug on that fucking motherfuck shit ass movie blog fuck stain.  cunt.  ridiculous.

Klaus Kinski makes christian bale look like a fucking pussy.  (i busted out bold font.  that’s how serious i am.)  that dude was fucking great.  and by “great”, i mean “fucking bat shit crazy.”

today’s post brought to you by the word “fuck.”  filling in the gaps in your lexicon for over 100 years.  fuck.  you can’t fucking live without it.

reminder: spielberg is brilliant (and is pissing it all away) / we’re going to need a bigger boat

[apparently, i wrote this a year and a half ago and never posted it.  as with everything i write, it seems retarded now when i reread it, but oh well.  i don't exactly have standards, anyway.]

i am watching jaws.  RIGHT NOW.  and, just as i am every time i watch this movie, i’m blown away by how good it really is.  remember that scene when brody is at his kitchen table contemplating how fucked up of a situation he is in, and then his son is sitting there mimicking everything he is doing?  and then mr holland and his opus walk in and say, “is your husband home?  i would like to talk to him.” and mrs brody says, “so would i.”  ??? there are a million moments like that in this movie.  this is one of those movies where, no matter how many times you watch it, you can always find something new that is awesome.  it is undeniably a classic, and it is one of spielberg’s best.  not to mention his first real success as a director.  it proved that he was capable of tapping in to something very deep and basic about human people.  he showed his greatness with this film.  of course, his greatest talent has always been recognizing a great story, but with this film he showed that he was capable of something so much more difficult.

“mary ann lamoffet.  she broke my heart.”

also, while i’m here, i should mention that you should really watch The Taking of Pelham One Two Three [1974, not 2009 for fuck's sake].  in addition to having Robert Shaw playing the lead bad guy, it has Walter Mathau giving his best performance EVR.  not to mention, Quentin Tarantino fucking loves stealing from this movie.  so there you go.  that’s my movie recommendation for the year.

[back to modern day reality, 2010.]  so just by coincidence, i just found this article about CGI and the dangers/stupidity of remaking classics, just because you can, and the scary as fuckballs idea of spielberg remaking Jaws.  the only thing worse than taking a classic film and inserting CGI effects, is trying to remake the film with shia lebouf.  both of which are things that spielberg fucking loves.

last second live blog

the dead person thinkg is going on right now.  i hate james taylor.  apparently the guy from kung fu died.  they didn’t say how.  that’s weird.  michael jackson?  why?dude didn’t do shit.

i would still bone cindy crawford.

fuck j lo.  and why is that guy talking with an accent?  fuck that guy too.  ummm.  who are all these gay ass people and why can’t i fast forward?  OMG!  they are doing a Hurt Locker dance.  HAHHA.  this guy is doing the robot!  FUCKING AMAZING.  somebody fucking shoot me.  that’s it.  i’m pausing it, so i can fast forward through this bull shit.

george clooney is soo high.  up won.  dude is lost.  how can he be lost.  look for the ugly whore holding the gold statue.  walk there.  easy.

another douche with an accent, announcing the visual effects oscar.  if ANYONE other than avatar win, i will be so fucking happy.  even star trek…  fuck.  oh well. jesus christ!  james cameron’s wife is ugly.

the bad guy from hackers just won an oscar for killing dolphins.  oh man.  the oscar people are suck dicks.  they just cut away from the producer who held up a sign.  text “dolphin” to 44144 and one dolphin will be killed in your name.

tyler perry is on tv.  i can see why he is so popular.  NOT.  The Hurt Locker just won for editing.  someon just said sam raimi.  and whores.  i think.

this is sooo fucking boring.  i want t o go to bed.  i’m doing this for u.

[now 6pm the following day]  i apparently passed out right after typing that.  so what did i miss?  sandra bullock won something.  wtfc?  jeff bridges won for that movie that i didn’t see because it’s about country music and i am racist against country music.  The Hurt Locker beat the fuck out of avatar.  thank fuck.  (nothing against avatar.  i guess.  it’s just a joke to call it the best movie of the year.  not to mention, The Hurt Locker was awesome.  fucking awesome.)

and i guess that was it.  now lets just cross our fingers that they cancel next year’s oscars.

cognitively boned

OMG!  i’m back again!  my fan is going to be soooo excited.

nbc is retarded.  did you know that jeff zucker, the megadouchetard who fired Conan O’Brien,  not only went to college with Conan, but actually had him arrested for pulling a prank when they were in school together?  (of course you already knew that, and this is all old news, but i wasn’t blogging during the clusterfucktastrophe that was Conan’s firing, so i still have some shit that i need to get off my chest.  (my muscular, glistening, orgasm inducing chest.))   anyway, that guy is cognitively impaired out the ass.  although, that should have been obvious after he gave jay “i have no fucking idea what’s funny anymore” leno the tonight show back.  luckily, Cone Bone is figuring out the internet, and twittering the shit out of it.  hurray for humanity.  [also, hurray for stern.]

i just found out that costco sells caskets.  i wish i had the balls to write a joke about Haiti, but unfortunately for me, my soul is still hanging on by a thread.  don’t worry though.  thanks to the guidance provided by NPR, i’ll be trading in my soul for gold chains and a Cadillac before you can say, “bitch, where’s my money.”

it’s funny how much your tastes and preferences can change as you get older.  for example, if you had told me ten years ago, that i would someday love spinach, i would not have believed you.  but i do.  or if you had told me that i would spend hours everyday watching dudes masturbate, live on webcams, i also would not have believed you.  and yet, i do.  although, i could not have foreseen chatroulette. it’s not that i like watching guys masturbate. [seriously!]  it’s just that, i know, deep down in my heart, that if i stick with it long enough, someday, i will get to see a, boob.  so far, dicks are beating boobs 47,396 to zero.  but i heard somewhere that the dick/boob ratio was around 50,000 to 1, so i’m almost there!  (i cannot wait to see that boob!!)

irony is still gay

i guess i should explain where i’ve been all this time.  you see, like most people who use the internet as a substitute for normal human interaction, i went through a period of extreme depression.  my way of keeping myself busy so i wouldn’t hang myself was to write a blog.  however, i eventually started having consensual sex, which led to me cheering up and not needing the blog anymore.   although i’m no longer super suicidal,  i’ve been feeling like maybe i should give this thing a second shot.  the internet needs me.  i’m sure of it.  so here we go…

have you been watching The Life and Times of Tim?  why the fuck not!  jesus titty fucking christ!  are you fucking retarded?!  is sarah palin your mom?!1  eat shit and die, you waste of humanity!!!  …  ooook, so i may have overreacted.  but yeah, you should probably watch it.  it’s one of the best things on television.  seriously.  if you are already a fan (which you should be (but don’t get me going again)) you should check out this interview with the guy who does the stuff.  and if your name is twig, here is a good intro to one of the best animated shows in the fucking universe.

did you see Shutter Island?  i did.  let me first say that i think Scorsese is one of the greatest directors of all time.  i know that sounds cliche, but fuck you.  it’s true.  HOWEVER, that does not mean that every lump of shit he touches turns to gold.  this particular lump of shit turned kind of yellowish.  but definitely not gold.  i get the feeling that Scorsese never bothered to watch Fight Club.  you cannot have a movie about crazy people who see crazy shit, and expect the audience to just accept what you are telling them.  everyone is expecting a twist, so when the time comes, that twist better be fucking amazing.  the ending of shutter island was not only not fucking amazing, it was dull.  so dull that i’m bored of even talking about it.

have you been listening to Sleigh Bells?  fuck.  seriously, wtf have you been doing for the past year?  how is it possible you’ve lasted this long without me?  if you like music, and awesomeness, you will like Sleigh Bells.  i don’t think a proper recording of any of their songs actually exists right now, which means that, even through your $1000 stereo, it’s going to sound like you’re blasting laptop speakers.  which is kind of awesome in itself.  i think it may have been intentional.  and if it wasn’t, it should’ve been.

this concludes my return to the internet.  see you in 2011.  in the meantime, follow me on twitter.  @fuckedyourgrandpa

i wish i could quit you. fag.

i think i accidentally made a blog post.  this is from a comment on www.fivethreedialtone.com www.eatthiscity.com.   i couldn’t just let it be.

you ever notice how some people use the comment section of other people’s blogs as if they were their own blog? super lame bryanmetro and jared. it’s called wordpress. google it.

also, the oscars are only good for two things… getting drunk and swearing at your television.

also, dark knight absolutely did not deserve the best picture nomination. but for that matter, neither did crash, return of the king, chicago, a beautiful mind, gladiator, shakespeare in love, titanic, the english patient, or braveheart.

also, am i the only one who didn’t fucking love that button movie? i mean, it was good, but 13 nominations? seriously? i would have liked it better if they had released it under it’s original title, “forrest gump 2.” [boo yah!]

and why wasn’t rambo nominated for anything? isn’t there a category for best film depiction of the murder of a child? because rambo would’ve gotten double nominated for that shit. how many movies show a baby being ripped out of his mother’s arms and thrown in a fire, just for the hell of it? fuck dark knight. fucking rambo should have gotten a best picture nom.

this party is just getting started

the average walking speed for a human person is 2.8 to 3.4 miles per hour.

the terminator movies were prophetic prophecies from prophets.

pizza is delicious.

generally, human people blink every 2-10 seconds.

rainbows are dangerous.

netfuck u

netflix just told me that they will no longer mail dvds to me because i had a few stolen off my porch. this is not cool. if you don’t have netflix, you cannot comprehend the amount of time and energy that it requires. i have spent hundreds, if not billions of hours building my queue and rating movies that i have seen. and now netflix has told me that the only way that i can prevent all of this time and hard work from going to waste is to take my penis, cut it off, swallow it, wait about 8 hours, shit it out, and then swallow it again.

i hate netflix.

fuckers never quit. quiters never get to fuck.

don’t worry. i haven’t given up yet. i’ve just been busy drinking alcohol and playing with my wiener. the other night i did nothing but get drunk and beat the midget all night long. but now i’ve turned over a new leaf (which has nothing to do with the giant blister on willy wonka). i’m back to the shit and ready to rock. while you’re waiting for the real “rocking” to begin, check THIS out. it is the greatest thing i have seen all day. seriously. all. fucking. day.

i’m halle berry

guess what i’m doing. i’m LIVE blogging about the oscars. that’s right, i’m not even waiting til its over to spew my nonsensical bullshit. i’m typing as it happens. and drinking in between. here we go.

i just saw the fat guys from superbad. they said something about black women.

juno just lost best actress. wow. this german woman is really excited.i think forrest whitaker is gonna bone her back stage.

do women have week hearts? what is diet coke trying to make me aware of? will their heart explode if you piss them off? wtf? and who the fuck would want heidi klum’s dress [other than lonely perves who want to use it for masturbatorial purposes]?

wii tennis on the oscars. swiit. (terrible)

once was a really good movie. and the music was also very good. but this musical performance is kind of creeping me out. the oscars is too big (in a bad way) for this song. they DO NOT need an orchestra. oh fucking well. i love that he still uses that guitar though. i thought it was just a prop for the movie, but it’s actually not. he’s been playing on the same acoustic guitar for so long that he has literally worn holes in it.

nicholson is great. he is the only person who is delivering his prewritten speech without sounding like he’s just reading some bullshit off of a teleprompter. even though he is. but that’s why he’s fucked more woman than God. he is the man.

now there showing every movie that won best picture for the past 80 years. it probably shouldn’t be surprising, but this a really good list. right up until they get to the mid 90s. braveheart, the english patient, titanic, shakespeare in love, gladiator, and chicago. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH US? how could the past ten years of movies suck so badly that those flaming pieces of shit all won best picture?

i really liked the bourne ultimatum, but how the fuck is it winning so many oscars? i turned this shit on in the middle of the show and bourne has already won about 37 oscars.

“film editing. someone just took the lead in their office oscar pool based on a guess.” how can you not love jon stewart?

nicole kidman is wearing 3 billion dollars worth of diamonds. remember last year when it was almost uncool to wear diamonds because of the movie Blood Diamond? thank God that trend is over. |get back to work, you lazy african diamond mining slaves. nicole kidman still needs 53 more stones for her oscar necklace.|

holy crap. that guy is fuckingold. robert boyle, i believe. i think they just gave him an oscar for living to be 124 years old. oh man. i was just about to say that at least he is still mentally sharp, but then the old man brain took over. now he’s rambling on like any steriotypical old ass guy who wants to tell you stories about the 30s and about how much milk used to cost. holy shit. i just spilled beer on my new couch and i had to run to the kitchen to get shit to clean it up, and after i was done cleaning up the mess i realized that the old guy is STILL talking. someone needs to grow some balls and start playing the “wrap it up” music.

i find it strange that all these movie stars [and professional assholes] who normally present themselves as overly confident pricks, are obviously so nervous. it just goes to show, something. maybe i’ll finish this thought later.

Billy Wilder was austrian. i did not know that.

these musical performances are fucking awful. if i hadn’t just spilled another beer, i would’ve been fast forwarding through that shit. but unfortunately, my crouch was wet. so i was preoccupied.

if once doesn’t win best song, i will fucking kill myself. just wait. here it comes. give it to me travolta. YES. that is fucking awesome.

“that guy is so arrogant.” i heart jon stewart. this will not be funny later. but i nearly pissed myself when it happened.

wow. i love those once guys.

remember when cameron diaz was hot? i don’t. “For There Will Be Blood” just won an oscar. i hate cameron diaz.

holy shit. i didn’t know jack valenti died. why the fuck didn’t people cheer louder. that ass hole is finally in hell where he belongs. thank fuck. and of course, the grand finale of dead people, heathe [i heart pills] ledger.

jon stewart is probably the best oscars host EVAR. that’s right, i said EVAR.

oh man. they’re having an award presented by military personnel stationed in iraq. that just goes to show, hollywood is run by liberal pussies. and tom hanks. liberal pussies. and tom hanks. i bet their about to give an oscar to Michael Moore. holy crap. i guess i need to rent Taxi to the Dark Side.

i just remembered i saw the trailer for the new Indiana Jones movie. and it gave me a giant boner.

Diablo Cody just won the oscar for best screen play. what a fucking cry baby. she also wins the award for worst dress ever. i hate to rag on anyone for not fitting in at the biggest conformist celebration in the world, but god damn it, leopard print? really? fucking, come on.

here comes a big one. lead actor. get ready to shed a tear. holy shit. that old bitch has more diamonds than nicole kidman. fuck those africans. why are they even bothering with this? just give it to Daniel Day Lewis, and let’s go home. there you go. ddl is the shit. haha. he just accepted the award in the name of his grandfather, father, and 3 sons, but not in the name of his daughters. just goes to show what a daughter is worth. (i may have just made that up.)

i wish they would’ve given jon stewart more to do in the past 30 minutes of the show.

joel and ethan coen just won best director. that’s cool. i don’t even remember who i was pulling for 30 seconds ago. but i’m not disappointed now.

denzel looks like he has somewhere better to be and he can’t wait to get out of here. …….. woah. i am really shocked now. no country for old men just won best picture. wow. this is “oscar magic.”

and that was the oscars. i guess i missed owen wilson showing everone what a failure he is by not being able to kill himself. oh well. oh shit. what did javier bardem win? he is the shit. god damn it. i wish i would have turned this shit on earlier. why the fuck are they playing the mission impossible song? god damn it. i fucking hate the oscars.

get back to work, you lazy fucks

the writers’ strike is over. no more american gladiators [come april]. and to that i say, boooo. have you been watching Conan this week? fucking hell man. i love that guy, but shit on a fucking stick, the best thing that ever happened to him was losing his writers. this is a perfect example of what is wrong in every form of art. (yeah, that’s right. i’m about to go there.) when Conan lost his writers, he was like a small animal, cornered and defenseless. and then, just like any comedian/talk show host [or artist for that matter] with real talent, he fucking exploded. without the crutch of his writers, he was forced to rely on his natural ability to entertain. and the result was something that we haven’t seen from him since he lost his comedic soul mate, Andy Richter. the writer’s strike provoked the kind of creativity that can only come from desperation. just like any art form, the best work is the result of some kind of conflict or challenging event. some people say that the best art comes from pain, but really, the pain is just the byproduct of the challenge. when life is truly difficult, you are pushed to your max [or you crumble from the anxiety like certain people (me)]. it’s the trying times that produce the best product because not only is the artist [or talk show host [or blogger for that matter]] delivering everything that he or she has to offer, but he/she/it is doing so in a way that is relatable to everyone. and i do mean everyfuckingone. whether you’re paris hilton or joe shmoe bum on the street, your life is filled with conflict. whether or not you/he/she/it chooses to overcome, or attempt to overcome that conflict will differ from person to person, but the universal desire is to try. struggle is so much more attractive than success because struggle is real and success is a pipe dream. there is no real success in the human condition, and the only alternative to struggle is to quit, or die (depending on the circumstances). artists who are willing to risk and struggle, and can do so while connecting with an audience, are the ones who create the greatest works. and that is why Conan was so great for the past five weeks. in the desperation of the situation, he lowered his self imposed standards and thereby allowed himself to be more creative and rely on his talent much more than he was comfortable doing in the recent past. he is a great comedian, and the writers’ strike allowed his talents to shine. i can only hope that the return of the writers does not mean the death of the new Conan.

my advice to all aspiring artists: quit your job, move out of your parents basement to a city where you don’t know anyone, get a shitty job cleaning toilets making minimum wage, eat ramen noodles for every meal, and immerse yourself in your art every waking second that you have. (although, i make $90k a year and drive a beamer, so wtf do i know?)

why didn’t i think of that?

some “experts” predict that we will be having sex with robots sooner than you might expect.  i’m still trying to figure out when it starts being a robot and stops being an anal vibrator.  does it just have to look and feel real?  does it have to be powered by batteries or other source of electricity?  does it have to grunt and moan as if its world was being rocked by your sub par performance?  if you play a recording of sex sounds and stick a vibrating mechanism in a real doll, are you fucking a robot?  [if i have to tell you nsfw, then you deserve to be fired, and possibly raped... by your boss...  your disgusting, unholy, pig of a boss.]  remember when the robots in *batteries not included had sex?  that was pretty cool.

rambo has restored my faith in humanity

a while back i said that Rambo 4 was going to be the most violent movie in the history of movies. i could not have been more excited. i seriously had a violence boner for the whole month of january. and now that i have seen it, i know you are crapping in your computer chair waiting for me to tell you what i thought. (either that, or you are just scanning this page for NAKED PICTURES OF LAURA PREPON.) well here you go… Rambo 4/First Blood: Part IV/To Hell and Back/Holy War/The Cobra’s Pearl Necklace/John Rambo took every one of my expectations, and raped them with a machete. this movie was more of everything i thought than i could have ever expected. i’m talking severed limbs, atom bombs, child molestation, spilled intestines, and a baby being ripped out of his mother’s arms and thrown in a fire [just for the fuck of it]. the dialogue was even amazing. have you ever heard a line better than, “when you’re pushed, killin’s as easy as breathin”? oh, and remember the scene from the trailer where Rambo rips the guy’s throat out with his bare hand? i have never heard a theater cheer so loud in my life. in fact, the whole crowd (95% wieners) was going ape shit with cheers/laughter for the whole movie. it was truly the anti-Juno, and i fucking loved it.

before the movie they showed a couple previews that were almost as entertaining as the movie itself. the first was a pretty crappy trailer about a guy who accidentally takes a picture of a serial killer murdering someone on the subway and then tries catching him. it all looked very “dramatic” and “intense” and “fucking terrible.” the trailer dragged on for about 3 hours until finally, the pay off. the title of the movie was MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN. not joking. seriously called that. seriously. see for yourself.

the second preview got me almost as excited as Rambo 4′s trailer. (but not quite.) it was for a movie called Doomsday which is every futuristic apocalyptic sci-fi action movie you’ve ever seen. but instead of mel [i eat jew babies for strength] gibson, they have this girl. i’m not sure if this movie will really be the shit, or if i was just really jacked up on the Rambo juice. i guess we’ll find out in march. in the meantime, watch the trailer.

i saw cloverfield

… and i can’t wash it off.

i realize that this may sound strange for someone who has a blog about movies and stuff, but i just found out about how awesome netflix is.  it is really quite fucking awesome.  as much as i miss going to a cool video store to rent movies, u can’t beat the experience of renting movies while sitting naked, spread eagle on your couch [or your roommate's couch], while playing with your balls.  i came pretty close to that experience once at a blockbuster.  needless to say, it ended badly.  so anyway, i just posted my entire fucking queue, and after reading through it again, i realized that that is the most personal thing i have ever posted here, on this bloggish thing you’re reading.  i mean, i feel like i really just exposed myself to you, and i’m feeling exceptionally vulnerable.  it’s like, what are you going to point and laugh at first?  my red pubes, my small penis, or my left testicle which hangs much lower than the right [and is also significantly larger].  anyway, i like netflix.

i watched Jackass Number Two for the first time this weekend.  i remembered jackass being kind of funny when i was in highskool, or college, but i never really got into it.  but holy titty fuck was JNT funny.  i don’t know if it’s because i’m getting less and less mature as i get older and older, or if it’s because my tastes are becoming more and more refined and jackass is intellectually stimulating on a level i am only now able to appreciate.  either way, that movie was fucking funny.  not only did it make me laugh, but it also made me come closer to throwing up than any other movie, EVER.

netflix is GoD

my queue is your bitch.  or my bitch.  or you are my bitch.  or you are my queue’s bitch.  or something. [this is why i don't blog anymore.]

news flash… Juno didn’t suck

if you have turned on a tv in the past week, you have seen at least thirty commercials telling you that Juno is the greatest movie ever to be made and that everyone in the country is shitting/cumming in their pants because it is so unbelievably amazing. and you know what? it actually was really fucking good. at least, i think it was. i watched it in a theater packed with drunk teenagers, and my idiot, misogynistic friends. between the highskoolers yelling to each other about who stole beer from whose [or is it whoms] parents’ fridge, and my women hating friends giggling at the serious scenes, it was not easy to fully experience the film. in spite of the overwhelming immaturity and vaginaphobia, i still managed to enjoy it. it was a really good story, and yes [god damn it] it was well written. (i’ll get to Diablo Cody in a minute.) the thing that has all the piss ant bloggers pissing their ant pants is the dialogue. you’ve all seen the fucking trailer, so you should fucking know going into it that the dialogue is stylized. and by stylized, i mean that people in the movie do not talk like people talk in real life. i assume this is especially annoying to people who don’t read [books] (mainly because i like insulting people who disagree with me). to be honest, i was kind of indifferent about the dialogue. everyone either loved it or hated it. except me. i am special. i just really liked the movie for what it was. …

djew hear about Diablo Cody? if not, then you are pop culture retarded. i really liked her after the first couple articles i read about her. but fuck did it get old quick hearing about how she used to be a stripper, and about how she is standing up for women in hollywood, and blah blah fucking fuck blah. the turning point for me was the entertainment weekly interview. (linking to that article would be like willfully spreading an STD (recycling is fun).) in that one article, i got a glimpse of what Bruce Campbell has referred to as “spores.” basically, spores are what infect any and everyone who spends too much time in “hollywood.” they sap your integrity, your intelligence, and your ability to be or to do anything worth a shit. to give you an example of spores, paris hilton‘s mother was not impregnated by sperm. she was impregnated by a spore. Diablo needs to get the fuck out of LfuckingA quick, or else she is going to end up being just another bland as fuck hollywood writer, putting out cutting edge movies like legally blonde and the sweetest thing.

btw, bad news for all of you vaginaphobes. Teeth comes out this weekend!!! i won’t make the same mistake i made with Juno by building this one up. instead, i’ll just give you this. (watch it, you pussy.)

happy burfday to bean

mr bean is 53.  woo hoo for the funniest man to ever come out of england. (other than monty python.)  (and benny hill.)  (and ever other british comedian who is funnier than the bean.)

good news for you bored internet browsing fucks,  i’m driving the sweetest cherry red mustang convertible ever.  and i am about 15 pounds lighter than last week.    with any luck, i’ll be back to blogging regularly sometime this week.  yay for you.

in the meantime, here’s a glimpse of the garbage that i’ll be linking to shortly.  celebrities give their kids funny names.  even vomit inducingly hot celebrities.

coming in 20008, more bullshit!!!!!!

in the meantime, get fuzzy.

movies rock (fur shizzel)

a while back i got a supplement with wired magazine called movies rock. it actually wasn’t terrible to read. they had a couple things about Bill Murray and Zooey Deschanel. not to mention, they had two of my favorite comedians, Demetri Martin and David Cross, reviewing tracks recorded by celebrities. i really wanted to post the article, but this bullshit magazine supplement is, apparently, not on the internet. (i am still in disbelief that there is anything in existence that does not also exist on the internet.) luckily for you, i was a little drunk when i realized that the article has not found its way to the webbernuts. (don’t worry, a little alcohol is good for fetuses.) so i typed out about half the article. i was apparently too drunk to type the whole thing. ride the bump to read hilarity ensuing [like i give a shit].

UPDATE: my theory has been proven. everything that exists, also exists on the internet. including the internet. (paradox, motherfucker.) here’s the whole article that i needlessly spent an hour trying to retype.

the triumphant return [to be immediately followed by morning sickness]

don’t worry, i’m due in january. then, not only will i have plenty of time to post my verbal diarrhea, but i’ll also be able to do it while driving around in my sweet new mustang convertible. (you wouldn’t believe how much cash you can get for a brand new baby.)

thank God for science. they finally found a cure for gayness… in flies. but not before finding a way to turn hetro flies queer as a three dollar bill. i don’t really understand how they did it, but i heard that both transformations somehow involved zac effron.

Juno hits theaters this weekend. please fucking go see it so i can finally stop talking about it. you’ll love it. i swear. rainn wilson is in it. who doesn’t love rainn wilson? no one. that’s who. jesus titty fucking christ, just go see the fucking movie already. fucking hell, dude. seriously.

i went to see Atonement this weekend. before you ask, no, there was not a nude scene. believe it or not, that was not why i went. (seriously.) the main attraction for me was the long take that i kept hearing about. it was an insane five minute sequence requiring an infinite amount of orchestration. if you go to see the movie, and you hear James McAvoy say “i smell the sea,” sit up and start paying attention. other than that one extremely awesome shot, the movie wasn’t bad. not the greatest story, but really well shot. and they showed the word “cunt” in really big letters. so there’s that, too.

i just started listening to Peter, Bjorn, and John and i’ve been dancing around [in my head] to their music all week. quick, someone welcome me to 2006.

i just watched the trailer for Machine Girl, and it’s left me feeling strange. i know how i should feel. i should have a boner from the overwhelming amount of awesomeness that i just witnessed. but instead, i’m left feeling a little bored. is it possible that i finally went over the edge? could i have pushed the threshold to the point that there is no longer a threshold? i guess it’s just a matter of time before the internet does this to everyone. you can only experience things like two girls, one cup so many times before something snaps. or maybe it’s just the hormones.